


Dirt and Roses

by rainbowcupcake



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Explicit Language, Gen, Minor Character Death, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowcupcake/pseuds/rainbowcupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never open the door to a lesser evil, for other and greater ones invariably slink in after it - Kaito has to make a choice that will change his life forever, and not for the better. Torn between keeping his loved ones safe and his need for vengeance, he chooses to become one of the people he hates the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist to the story: https://bop.fm/p/1JQJ

**Prologue**  
  
_This will probably be my last entry. ~~I don't know for sure, but~~ I have a feeling I won't come back from this. Animals versus Liqueur. You could probably make a shit-ton of jokes about that .. old me would for sure. But I don't have it in me anymore. That person is gone and this is too serious. ~~People are going to die~~. It's going to be a fucking blood bath and there's nothing I can do about it._  
_Or maybe there is and I'm just too far gone to see it. Maybe I don't even care anymore._  
  
_If anyone finds this .. I really don't know what to tell you. Maybe a few words of advice?_  
_Don't lie to the people you love._  
_I didn't take my own advice, and it's one of the things I regret the most. Seriously, don't do it._  
_What else? I really don't know, but if you're kind enough to do a dead man a few favors, I would be eternally grateful. I have letters .. they're behind the tea box in the kitchen. Yeah, I don't know why. Was as good as any other spot, you know?_  
_Anyway, there's four of them. I wrote the names and addresses on the envelopes, so it should be easy. If you could get them to these people, that would be great._  
_There's one more thing, and it would mean a lot to me. If you could send a bouquet of eight sweet peas to the grave of Kuroba Chikage … I can't ever repay you, but if you'd do this for me .. you would have my ghostly gratitude._  
_I think old me is trying to make a comeback. Sorry about that._  
_I don't know what else to say. Read my journals, if you want, and make from that what you will._  
_My name is Kuroba Kaito. I'm a magician and a thief, and twenty-four hours from now, I'm going to be dead._  
  
\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals


	2. Ghost

_It's funny, how fast you can lose yourself. One day, you know exactly who you are and then, just like that, you're someone else. Don't recognize yourself anymore. It's funny and sad._  
_Aren't there some parts of us that are just so hard-wired that they'll stay, no matter what else changes? Or can we really change so completely that we might as well be a different person?_  
_I don't know who I am anymore, or what's left of who I was before._

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

I put on the suit. Okay, that's a fancy word for something that's not actually a suit. It's really just a shirt, sweat pants and gloves. All in black. How it looks isn't exactly of the essence. As long as it allows me to move freely, anything works. Still, I'm so used to the flashy KID regalia that these casual clothes feel weird. Wrong.  
Dad's white suit has been hanging in the workroom for a while now.  
Every now and then, they tell me to do a KID heist, to throw off suspicion. Keep the task force busy and focused on one target. Other than that though, the suit – and a lot of other things – are left to collect dust.  
I miss being KID. It was dangerous, but, while not exactly the pinnacle of morality, it wasn't _this_.  
As KID, sometimes I had to be careful not to get shot. Now I have to be careful not to shoot somebody.  
Everything went from white to black, just like that. With this one choice I made. I can confidently say that this choice will eventually ruin my life – if it hasn't already.

I check my stuffed backpack. Another thing about being KID that I miss – all those hidden pockets. Much more convenient than carrying around a bulky backpack. Maybe I should invest in a black KID suit.

Everything is in order, I have all the equipment I might need. Everything but one thing.

Picking up the gun is still hard. It gets easier every time and checking the safety is already routine. But it's a fight every time, to push back the images that this black monsterbrings to the surface. The things it can do, the things that have been done with it...I'm running away from it, and I know it.  
But if I linger on those thoughts for just a moment too long, they'll pull me down and never let me go. Thoughts are dangerous.

I head out, to the appointed location two blocks away. The black car is already waiting and I get in without hesitation. There is no room for doubts here. The moment I leave my house, doubt and hesitation and fear have to stay inside, locked away. It's safer. That way they can't get me killed. And there's no doubt they would. That's about the only thing I have _no_ doubts about.

My face is carved into an emotionless expression. The less they see of me, they less leverage they have. They have plenty anyway.

Falcon shoots me a sly look, while the three people in the back ignore me, just like I ignore them.  
I don't have a code name yet, but that's supposed to change tonight. _If_ I get this job done without a hitch.  
Which is my specialty and why they wanted me. One of the reasons, anyway.  
"Nervous?" he asks and turns the keys, setting the car into motion.  
A silent shake of my head is the only answer he's going to get, and he seems to realize that too, because he grunts and focuses on the road. Good.  
I don't need idle chit-chat.  
Truth is, my nerves are a wreck. _I_ am a wreck. They gave me three days to prepare. That's not a lot, but I'm not exactly in a position to complain.  
Besides, from the looks of it, this is going to be an easy one, so three days of preparation should be enough. The thing is – no matter how easy a job looks, the stakes are too high for me to be calm.

The target is this rich, old guy. You know, the kind that lives in over-the-top mansions with a whole battalion of servants to carter to their every need. The kind that collects expensive things. Like paintings, statues .. or gems.

And it's exactly why this job makes me sick to my stomach, despite how easy it looks. One part of the target is a collection of gems. I can deal with that. The part where the old man is a target as well is the part I have a problem with.  
But it's not like I have a say in anything. I get told what to do, and I do it. Whether or not I like it means nothing to them.

My only relieve is that I don't have to deal with the guy directly - but that doesn't do much to make me feel better.  
I do the only thing I can do in these kind of situations and I focus only on my part of the job. There's no room for the old man.

My part is simple. In theory. I've learned over the past few years that even the best laid plans can go completely haywire. Get in, grab stuff, get out. Preferably without being seen or heard or smelt or touched. Be a ghost.  
I can do that. It's just so different from the way I used to do things. When it was just me and a white suit. And a whole lot of gadgets, magic tricks and pink smoke.  
And while these animals are often far more head-on than I'd like, they have no need for heists that call attention to them. They want to be unseen.

The car stops and three of us get out.  
There's me, the nameless black ghost. And there are the animals. Tiger and Panther. Muscle and .. well, _persuasion_.  
Falcon will stay in the car, ready to bring us out of here. So will Dolphin. He's the brains today, sitting in the safety of the car with his laptop, monitoring the situation. If anything goes against the plan, he'll be the first to notice.

He also disables the security cameras at the gate, allowing us to simply climb over it. The house is secluded enough that no one will be around to see us and it's by far the most convenient way to get onto the grounds. But walking around in the open like that puts me on edge, regardless of how improbable it is that anyone will notice.

We're making our way up to the house, following the long, winding driveway. Tall trees line both sides, providing us with shadows to melt with and covers to hide behind.  
Not that we really need either. The man who lives here has no patrols or guards outside. In fact, he only has one man watching the camera feeds at night and that's it. He has a good security system, and he trusts it. He's not paranoid like some of the other targets we've hit. Too bad for him that Dolphin is excellent at disabling and tricking good security systems.  
The minutes pass in silence, only broken by the quiet rustling when a soft breeze washes over the trees.

We reach the front door and this is where we part ways. I will go around the back, scale the wall and enter through a window. Directly into the room where he keeps his collection of jewels.  
I know the layout of the mansion by heart.  
For the last two days I took the place of one of his servants, allowing me to scout out every last corner.

The Cats, as I sometimes call them, will go through the front door, to seize their own target. But I don't think about that part.  
With a silent nod, I turn away and move to the back of the house. There are cameras at every corner, easy enough to avoid if you know they're there. The feeds should be looped anyway, but you can never be too careful. And I know that Dolphin is focused on the Cats right now, so I'm not taking any unnecessary risks.  
I scale the wall without using any equipment. The old brick wall provides plenty of holes to put my feet into and bricks that stick out just enough for my fingers to get a grip.  
Once I reach my destination – third floor, fifth window from the right –, I perch on the windowsill, out of sight of the 360° camera that's embedded in the ceiling of the room. It's covering the whole room and I have to wait for Dolphin to disable it and loop the feed.

"Ghost in position." I whisper into the mic that's hidden in my collar. Ghost. I'm not sure who started calling me that, but it's my name now, at least until they decide that I'm worthy of a code name.  
For a second, static erupts in my ear and I grimace. Same thing happens every damn time.  
Then Dolphin's voice cuts through.  
"All set, go in. Two minutes."

I don't wait another second. The window, that I didn't close properly when I left a few hours ago, slides open smoothly and I glide in, landing on the carpeted floor without a sound.  
Knowing where every piece is makes it simple. I still have to pick the locks on the showcases, but technically, all I have to do is go around the room and collect everything. And the locks are easy to crack, I made sure of that.  
A large, oval cut sapphire, a slightly smaller ruby and a necklace with a square emerald.  
All of them potentially Pandora.

I have the sapphire and the ruby, but the necklace .. is not where it's supposed to be. Where it was just a few hours ago.  
I know that it was right here, but as my gloved hands slide over the empty pedestal, something sick settles in my stomach. This can't be happening. It has to be here.

Then I hear it. Breathing. It's shallow and slow, barely audible, as if the person was trying to hide their presence.  
My ear crackles. "One minute."  
I spin around, trying to pin-point the source of the breathing. The window by the corner. I stalk closer, preparing myself or a fight. My hand clenches around the gun,  
but I keep my finger away from the trigger.  
He or she is hiding behind the curtain. It goes all the way to the floor and is thick and voluminous enough to hide even a grown man.

I take one steadying breath and rip the curtain aside, gun pointed at … air. Nothingness.  
My eyes flicker down and there she is. A little girl, covering before me like I'm her worst nightmare.  
I might very well be.  
For one second, she stares at me, eyes wide open with terror. Then she looks away, sobs and immediately clamps a hand over her mouth, stifling the sound.  
I let out a small sigh and lower the gun. Then I crouch down and hold out my other hand. The girl flinches and tries to back further away, but the wall stops her. There's nowhere to run and she's scared witless. Of me.

I used to make kids laugh. Not anymore, I guess.

"30 seconds. If you need more time, tell me _now._ " Dolphin says through the earpiece. Damn it. I ignore him and focus on the girl.  
I want to be nice to her, I really do. I want to find out what she's doing here, in the middle of the night no less, but I don't have time. All I can do is hope that she hasn't seen my face. I don't wear a mask and it's the one mistake that could cost me everything tonight.  
But it's dark and she's scared. So scared actually, that she hasn't so much as glanced at me after that first second.

I pry the necklace out of her clammy hand. She doesn't resist and I'm glad, because I really don't want to hurt her.  
"10 seconds. Ghost, what the hell are you doing? Get out of there."  
I know I'm late. Normally, this would have taken me a minute, _at most_. Dolphin knows that. I have to come up with a story fast, because I absolutely can't tell them about the girl. They'll kill her.  
Because she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I can't let that happen, I'm not that far gone.  
_Yet_.

I turn my back to her, flip the safety back on and put the gun in my waistband, and within seconds I'm out of the window and down on the grassy ground below. I have all the way back to the car to come up with an explanation.  
_I forgot where the necklace was. I know I screwed up. Won't happen again. Sorry?_  
Pathetic.  
Whether or not they believe it. It's a pathetic lie, and if they buy it, it's a pathetic truth. This is the kind of mistake you _do not make_. But it's better than putting this girl's life in danger. She hasn't seen anything. I'm 98% sure.

I'm alone on the way back, but Tiger and Panther shouldn't be far behind. While their target is more likely to resist than mine, they're good at what they're doing. It sickens me to even think that, but it's true.  
I push the thought away. They'll put him in the trunk, out of my sight. I don't need to think about him.  
Memories flicker through my mind anyway. For two days, I catered to that man, fulfilled his every wish. And the worst part? He was nice. He was genuinely kind, even to his servants. He doesn't deserve this. And what about the girl? Is she related to him? A granddaughter maybe.  
Or just a homeless girl that saw my open window and snuck in. I don't know. I don't _need_ to know.

It really shouldn't bother me. The job is done, it's already in the past, my focus has to stay on the future. That's the only way to survive. The only way to stay sane.

I open the door on the passenger side and slide in. Turning around, I throw the jewels into Dolphin's lap.  
"What the hell took you so long?" He snarls, not even looking up from his laptop . I don't like him. I don't like any of them.  
"I messed up. Won't happen again." I say through clenched teeth, hoping that he won't prod further. He glances at me for barely a second before he focuses on the screen again, but I could see the skepticism written all over his face.  
"Care to elaborate?"  
A soundless sigh escapes me. Well, there goes hope.

I tell him my pathetic story.

You know what's good about being a good liar? You can tell people anything you want, and they'll believe it. You know what's bad about it? Eventually you lose sight of the truth. Everything becomes a lie. You become a lie.

He believes me, and while he assures me that the boss will hear of 'this', I at least have the knowledge that the little girl is safe. It's a small flicker of light in this vast sea of darkness that I got lost in.  
It's something.

We have to wait two more minutes for the Cats to show up and I keep my eyes fixed on a dirt speck on the windshield when I see them coming. But I already saw the limp figure hanging over Tiger's shoulder.  
For a moment, it seems so ridiculous. We get here and rob the house of jewels and a human and we basically walk around in plain sight and nobody will ever know.  
Then I hear the sound of the trunk slamming shut and it snaps the ridiculousness clean in half.

They drop me off at the same location they picked me up at and I watch as the car speeds away without me. Knowing what's in the trunk. And what's going to happen to him.  
I taste vomit in my mouth and swallow heavily. _Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it..._

I'm not sure how I even get home. My feet carry me on their own while I'm lost in my own mind.  
I don't want to go home. There's nothing but silence and I don't like silence. There's nothing to distract me from the steady stream of memories, showing me what kind of person I have become.  
_You didn't hurt the girl, you kept her safe._  
One against how many? Too many. I might have saved one life today, but I also helped destroy another one. They don't cancel each other out, it doesn't work like that.

I take my shoes off and make a straight beeline for the bathroom, throwing off my clothes on the way.  
For an hour, I try to scrub off the invisible dirt. It never goes away, and yet I try to clean myself time and time again. Never learning.  
It's basically routine by now.  
I come home. I take a bath. I scrub and scrub and scrub, until my skin is red and raw and the realization hits, that the dirt that I'm trying to scrub off isn't there on my skin. It's on my soul.  
Then I get out, dry myself off, get dressed. In clothes that don't reek of death and shattered lives. I make tea.  
I take my tea and I sit on the roof until my mind is too tired to keep the memories flowing. Then I crawl into bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. As long as I can, until the nightmares hit.  
Then I make more tea and sit on the roof again. Watch the sun rise.

And the cycle repeats. Day after day, week after week.

My name is Ghost. I'm a thief and I didn't kill today, but I'm still a murderer.


	3. Hairline Fracture

_I did my first job for them tonight. Those bastards. Gave me no time to prepare, just the barest amount of information and then they set me up. Made me think I'd been captured. It was a test, to see if I would rat them out if my life was in danger. I didn't and I passed the test. Bastards.  
I hate them. I hate that I have to work with them. I hate myself for doing it. But it's not like I have a choice._

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**5 months ago**

I juggle the diamond from one hand to another, and back again. Back and fort, back and forth. It's not the one I'm looking fore – they never are. Sometimes it seems so pointless, so hopeless. There are so many of them and I have no clear idea what I'm looking for. It's the proverbial search for the needle in the haystack.

I'm out of the city and the night is silent. Unexpected wind blew me off the course, and I took landing in the middle of nowhere over crashing into a building.  
It's kind of nice to get away from all the noise and lights though. The air is clear and the night sky full of stars. I take deep breaths and lie back in the grass, studying the constellations of twinkling lights above me.

I need to talk to Jii-chan. We need to find a way to narrow the search down further. This is getting us nowhere.  
Then I have to return my mother's calls. Plan a heist. Show up at university again. I've been slacking off, distracted by heist after heist. But I can't take a break from stealing, if I want to have a chance at finding Pandora before they do. It's a race and an unfair one at that, because I'm blindfolded. Then again, I don't know for sure that they know more than I do, maybe they're just as blind as I am. Who knows..  
Mom has been trying to call me for days, but somehow her timing was always awful. I bet she just wants to gush about the magic shows she's seeing in Vegas. Still, she's my mother, I should really call her back.

My thoughts flow on their own, moving steadily from one topic to another, filtering out unnecessary garbage and restructuring the leftovers. It crosses my mind that I could ask Akako if she knows about any magical gems – but hell no. It is Akako after all, and while her cryptic messages were helpful sometimes – or at the very least, _true –_ I also haven't forgotten how she tried to kill me. And knowing her, she'd probably give me some stupid riddle instead of a clear answer; but clear answers are exactly what I need right now.

I should prepare a few extra traps for the next heist, even though my plans for that one are almost finalized. But given the area it takes place in, there's a high possibility that tantei-kun will make an appearance, and he won't fall for the simple tricks I use on the task force. Bless Nakamori's soul, but the man continues to be fooled by the same tricks I've been using for years. Sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose – but that would mean that he's _helping_ me, intentionally, and why on earth would he do that? The only reason I can think of is that he knows, or suspects, who I am .. but he's never shown any sign of it after that one time, neither on heists nor outside of them, and he's not exactly a great actor. Or he's a fantastic actor. Hm...  
I shake my head, feeling the grass brush over my neck. It's very unlikely. In fact, it's so unlikely that I should stop thinking about it and instead focus on more important things. Like the classes I have tomorrow _morning_. Yikes to whoever invented morning classes. I'm not feeling very motivated, but I have been missing a lot, and not just lately, but last semester too. I do have to keep up appearances, no matter how much it sucks.

When I get home a few hours later, my head feels a lot clearer. Lying in that field was like a mini-vacation, helping me to think a few things over and sort out my thoughts. But now I'm dead tired and I fall straight into bed, the first rays of sunlight already filtering through a slit in the curtains.

Morning comes way too early in the form of loud pounding at the front door, unceremoniously ripping me from my dreams. Something about tantei-kun and a goat … oh, and ice cream. My brain comes up with amazing things sometimes.  
I drag myself out of bed and down the stairs, putting on a shirt on the way, and open the door to a fuming Aoko.  
"Finally!" she throws her hands up in exasperation and shoves past me. "Get dressed, come on, we're late."  
I can only blink in confusion. Late? For what? My brain scrambles to retrieve the missing information. Obviously I forgot something.  
Aoko .. today is … Monday. So...  
She rolls her eyes and nudges me towards the stairs.  
"You don't remember, do you?"  
"No, what is it? What did I forget?" I ask over my shoulder, trudging up the stairs I just walked down.  
"Kaito said he would get breakfast with Aoko today, before classes."  
I wince at the hurt in her voice. She's trying to hide it, but she's not very good at it. And it's not the first time I forgot plans we made together.  
I turn around and look her in the eyes, trying to show her that my apology is sincere.  
"I'm so sorry, Aoko. I was so busy, studying and catching up.. I completely forgot about today. You know I missed a lot when I was sick. I'll make it up to you."  
Expect that I wasn't sick. I was keeping the Kaitou KID task force busy. Maybe not an honest apology, but a sincere one nonetheless. It's not like I intentionally forget.

She sighs, but to my relief, a small smile spreads over her face.  
"Bakaito...Fine, Aoko forgives you. But you're paying today."  
That I can live with.

We sit down for breakfast in a small cafe. A friend of Aoko's showed it to her, and when she tells me, a small flicker of jealousy sparks in my heart. It's selfish, but knowing that she's spending her time with other people.. I don't like it. It's also completely irrational. She's a young woman now, in college, she's supposed to make friends and have fun, whether or not I'm around.

And I'm not around all that much. It's there, while I sit in the cozy cafe, dumping unhealthy amounts of sugar into my coffee, that I realize that we've started to grow apart. It's a pang, a stab, a jab, a tearing and ripping and something in me breaks just a little bit.  
That's life, right? People grow apart and go on to live their own lives, no matter how close they were before.

"Kaito is so quiet today." Aoko observes and I shake my head, trying to clear it. She watches me, probably waiting for me to explain myself. Or to create mayhem à la Kaito.  
The latter it is. I'm not in the mood for talking – and talking to Aoko about my night job isn't really an option in the first place -, so I distract her with a simple card trick.

A few patrons are watching and I move from the card trick to juggling with our half empty cups. The waitress throws me a nervous look and I give her a mischievous grin in return. Now she looks _really_ nervous. Aoko on the other hand seems simultaneously amused and annoyed.  
I stand up, still juggling, and move around, collecting more items from other tables, weaving in small tricks and illusions, making things disappear .. basic stuff, really.  
All eyes are on me and I relax, now that I'm in my element. One trick gives way to another, until Aoko taps me on the shoulder.  
"Kaito, we have to go."  
"Just one second."  
Time for the grand finale.

I wave over a small boy, maybe six or seven, and he all but runs up to me, eyes shining in wonder.  
Crouching down, I lean closer and whisper in his ear.  
"Do you want to help me with a very special trick?"  
He nods eagerly and doesn't even ask what kind of trick it is. His enthusiasm makes me smile and his beaming face reminds me of why I love performing. I whisper instructions to him, telling him exactly what he needs to do, and when I stand up again to address my impromptu audience, I can see him whipping up and down on the balls of his feet impatiently.  
It's a simple disappearing trick, but it earns quite a few cheers and claps when the boy reappears on the other side of the room.

Finally, Aoko can't hold it anymore and literally drags me out on the street. I glance back over my shoulder and see the little boy waving, but Aoko pulls me away before I can wave back.  
"You're impossible!" she complains when we round the corner and storms off towards university. I follow her, hands in my pockets, grinning like a madman.

I catch up to her when she stops at a red streetlight.  
"Come on, that was fun. I haven't done anything like that in a while."  
That's not exactly the truth, but not really a lie either. I _entertain_ people with tricks and illusions on a regular basis, but it's different when your audience is a task force hellbent on putting you behind bars.  
But she obviously doesn't see it that way.  
"Aoko can't go anywhere with you! You always do something _weird_."  
I clutch a hand over my heart, pretending to be hurt.  
"Ow, Aoko. How can you say something like that? My magic is not weird."  
She huffs. "It is _so_ weird! And Aoko's not talking to you, Bakaito!"

And she actually follows through with that. The whole way to the university, she keeps quiet, not even reacting to my taunts. I'm reluctantly impressed. When did she get to that level of self control? I fall back a few steps and let her walk in front of me, my eyes fixed on her unruly mop of brown hair.  
The sensation that I felt in the cafe creeps back up on me. Have we already changed so much?  
I think back to when we were children. How we used to talk about everything. How we did everything together. We were inseparable. She lost her mother, I lost my father. What was left of our families fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Is that why we bonded in the first place? Is that why we're falling apart now? Because the thing that connected us is so far in the past?  
I shake my head. No, that's not why. The reason is that I'm lying to her on a daily basis and too busy stealing jewels to be a good friend. It's my fault the divide between us is getting bigger every day.

We part ways when we reach the campus, and while she still doesn't say anything, she waves goodbye. So she's not really mad.

I dutifully attend all my classes for the day, but I'm only paying attention to half of them. The other half is time used to refine my plans for the next heist. I still need to come up with a few more exit strategies, just in case. And those special traps for tantei-kun. So much for the plans being finalized.

It's late afternoon by the time I'm home and I've barely shut the door behind me when my phone rings. It takes a moment of digging in my pockets before I find it and I answer without looking at the caller ID. I'm pretty sure I know who it is anyway.  
As expected, the cheerful voice of my mother greets me and immediately starts telling me about this _amazing_ magic show she saw. I shake my head in amusement and clamp the phone between my ear and my shoulder while I take off my shoes.  
"Mom-" I start, but she cuts me off.  
"I'm telling you, Kaito, it was _magic_! You should have seen it! Why don't you come to Las Vegas and watch the show?"  
"You know I can't, Mom. The new semester just started and I have a job." Well, two technically, but since one of them isn't actually paying...  
"Right, right. You're all grown up now, my little boy." She sounds awfully sentimental. "How about semester break then? I can book a flight for you and I can show you around and we'll go see all the good shows." she proposes and I sigh.  
It sounds nice, sure, but semester break is still months away and I was planning on cramming as many heists as possible in it. It's the only time I don't have to split myself into pieces, trying to keep up with classes, my actual, paying job, and stealing.  
"I'll think about it." And I will. I won't lie, I could really use a break. I haven't had one in almost four years.

We chat for a little longer, while I prepare dinner and get ready to head out again.  
I found a job as a bartender in one of those fancy clubs. It's actually kind of fun, I get to do tricks while preparing drinks and because it's fancy enough to attract rich people, I sometimes overhear gossip that's useful for my second job.  
It could be worse.

Aoko calls me when I'm on the train to Shibuya, reminding me that I agreed to have dinner with her and her father on Friday. Aoko is moving out soon, to a place closer to Hongo Campus, so she won't see her father that often anymore, and she wants us all to get together before that happens.  
I promise to remember and as soon as she ends the call, I mark the date in my phone's calendar. I totally forgot about it. And I had the heist planned on that day. Figures.

I'm serving the VIP area today. That's equal parts nice and horrible. I mean, some of the regulars there are really okay – and they tip nice -, but some are just .. well, assholes. The kind of people that think that, just because they have a ton of money, they can treat other people like shit.  
But it's part of the job and I bring them their drinks and smile. Sometimes, rather _strange_ things happen to these people, but I wouldn't know anything about that. Unfortunately, the gossip holds nothing of interest tonight.  
Who wears what, and who's dating who, boring stuff like that. I keep my ears open anyway, hoping to hear something useful. Sometimes, when one of the rich ones gets a really expensive gem – or jewelry with one attached -, it spreads like wildfire. Because everyone wants to see the new, shiny toy.  
But not tonight.

It's almost four in the morning when I fall into bed, deadbeat, and I'm gone the second my head hits the pillow.


	4. Boy's No Good

_Sometimes I'm just so tired of it all. Of this life. Sometimes I hate dad for dying. I hate him for becoming KID. But then I have to hate my mum for being the Phantom Lady, 'cause that's the main reason dad became KID. And if I follow that line of thought, I'll have to hate everything and everyone and that's just so damn exhausting. I'd rather not care. That's the thing though – I do care. That's why I have to do this._

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**Now**

Something wakes me up and it takes a second before I realize that someone is in my room. I'm up in the blink of an eye, pinning the intruder against the wall, my elbow pushing against their throat. Not thinking, just reacting.  
A second ticks by. Two. We stare at each other. Tears are pooling in her eyes and I think her horrified expression is only outmatched by my own.  
I let go of her and stumble back. "Aoko, I'm..shit, I'm sorry. I thought you..you were a burglar or something."  
She takes a shaky breath and holds a hand up to her throat. Horror washes over me like an ice-cold tidal wave when I see the reddened skin.  
"I'm so, so sorry." I repeat.  
Aoko shakes her head, her face torn between hurt and disbelief, and she leaves without another word, almost stumbling over her own feet in her haste to get away from me.

I stare at the door, wondering if I should go after her. But she probably doesn't want to see me right now - or ever again.  
That was unforgivable.  
Hatred seeps in and drowns out the horror and I start smashing my fists into the wall until the yellow wallpaper is stained with red. Every punch, every hit, takes the anger and pain from inside and pushes it out, violent bursts of energy designed to _hurt_ , until there's nothing left.  
I crumble down like a collapsing building and I stay there on the floor, staring at the torn and bloody skin on my knuckles. I don't even have the energy to answer the door when the bell rings.

I don't care who's there, they should leave me alone. I'm the absolute worst. How could I do that..to her, of all people?  
Apparently the people outside don't care what I think, because I hear the front door open and I know it's Aoko. Either that or it's a real burglar this time.  
I don't care if it is. He can take whatever he wants.

Footsteps on the stairs, then in the hallway and the door to my room flies open with so much force, it crashes into the wall and rattles the furniture, causing a few books to fall from the shelf.  
"Kuroba! What the bloody hell-"  
The voice cuts off abruptly and another one whispers something, so quietly that I can't understand the words.  
I look up and see Aoko and Hakuba in the doorway.  
Aoko looks scared and Hakuba livid. And even though she's scared, she's trying to calm Hakuba down. She came back, even after I hurt her like that. I stare at the bruised skin on her throat, disgust clawing at my skin. I did that to her.  
Her eyebrow twitches and she reaches for the handle and shuts the door again, muffling their hushed voices. I stare at it blankly.

Not much later, the door opens again and Hakuba walks in. He looks calm, but I can tell that it's just a facade.  
He looks down at me, shakes his head, sighs. Then he hauls me up and leans me against the wall, when he sees that I'm not going to stay upright on my own.  
"Kuroba. What the hell. Explain. Now."  
He's not yelling, but the way he bites the words out makes it clear enough what he thinks about me right now. I can't blame him.  
I can't even look him in the eyes when I tell him what happened. It's pathetic.  
"I woke up and someone was in my room. I thought that .. I don't know, someone broke in or something and I just reacted. I know … I know, okay? You don't have to tell me..." _what a despicable human being I am._

Hakuba let's out a loud breath, but when I finally look at him, he looks a little less angry.  
"Show me your hands." he demands and I hold them up. The blood has dried and started to crust, dark red and brown scabs forming around the pink circles of raw skin.  
He shakes his head again, but he takes my hands and inspects them. "Do you have a first aid kit somewhere?"  
"In the bathroom."  
Hakuba asks Aoko to get it and I hear her retreating footsteps.  
"Seriously, Kuroba. What is going on with you?"  
I wrench my hands from his grip and lean away from him. "Nothing."  
I'm trying to sound casual, but I have trouble getting my voice under control. There's just a slight tremble, but I know that Hakuba doesn't need more than that.  
"I don't believe you. … She's worried, you know. About you."  
I shake my head, but I'm not sure what I'm disagreeing with.  
"She doesn't have to be. I'm fine."  
_I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine._ Maybe, if I repeat if often enough, I'll start believing it.

Hakuba snorts. The undignified noise sounds weird coming from him. "Yeah, right."  
Despite what I think, he doesn't prod further, just gives me this calculating look. Like he's not sure if I'm going to attack him next.  
I'm not a wild animal.

Thankfully, Aoko returns with the first aid kit before the uncomfortable silence can stretch too long, but she keeps her eyes fixed on Hakuba. She's avoiding me.  
I don't protest when Hakuba starts cleaning my hands, but I can't hold back the wince when the antiseptic wipe meets my raw skin. Aoko mumbles something about making tea and recedes to the kitchen.  
I have a feeling that Hakuba hasn't said everything and I'm proven right. He starts to open a package with sterile gauze pads, bu then sets it aside and looks at me with a serious expression.  
"I have to be honest, Kuroba. You've done a lot of things that I don't approve of, but this .. this has gone too far. I've turned a blind eye before in favor of our … companionship. I can't look away any longer, I can't condone this. What were you thinking? Even if you thought someone broke into your house, I wouldn't have taken you for someone who would turn to such violent methods."  
"I wasn't thinking." I mutter.  
"Still-" Hakuba starts, sighs, shakes his head. "Just rinse your hands off under the warm water."

Glad to have an excuse to get away from him for a moment, I stand up and make my way into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turn on the water and hold my hands under the steady stream, clenching my teeth at the pain. Why is Hakuba even … it's not his problem. _I_ am not his problem, yet here he is, cleaning my wounds and trying to talk sense into me. Why is he even here?  
Aoko must have asked him to come … I knew they'd gotten closer over the years, but I hadn't realized just _how_ close. I used to be the person she went to whenever something was wrong. Then again, she can't very well come to me when I'm the thing that's wrong.  
My eyes travel from my hands to the mirror above the sink, scrutinizing my own reflection. The dark circles under my eyes, the even messier than usual hair, the sunken in cheeks, decorated by a smear of blood where I wiped away my tears. And there's something wrong with my eyes. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but something is different.  
I shake my head, bringing myself back to the present moment, and turn off the water. That should be enough. I go back to my room, where Hakuba is waiting, and sit down on the bed. He takes the chair from my desk and sits down in front of me, a gauze pad and a tube with antibacterial ointment already in his hand.

I hold out my own hand wordlessly and he uses the gauze to spread the ointment, before placing the pad over my knuckles.  
"Hold it there for a second." he commands and stands up again to get the rest of the first aid supplies.  
Once he's back in the chair, he stars rolling a bandage around my hand.  
"What was that about anyway?" he asks, jerking his head towards the blood stained wall.  
I shrug. "I don't know."  
His eyes search for mine, but I avoid them until he gives up and focuses on my hand again.  
"You know you're talking to a detective, right Kuroba?"  
A bolt of anger shoots through me, but I suppress it. "It was nothing."  
I can feel his grip tightening for the fraction of a second.

"Right, nothing." his voice is dripping with sarcasm. "Do you want to know what I think, Kuroba?" I certainly don't, but it doesn't seem like he cares about that. "I think you were angry at yourself, because you hurt someone you care deeply about. I think you keep your emotions bottled up until you can't hold them in any longer and then you lash out. I think you're neither sleeping nor eating well. And I think what happened to your mother has changed you – and how could it not? But it's more than that, isn't it?-" He shakes his head and his tone shifts from a objective observation to a worried friend. "-Honestly, Kuroba, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, but I'm worried about you. And so is Aoko-kun. Do you know how often our conversations revolve around you? _I don't understand him. He canceled our plans again. He just up and left without telling me why. He's always doing that and I don't know why. Does he not like me anymore? Something's going on with him, but he won't talk to me. I don't know what to do –_ Those are just a few things I've had to listen to over and over again, and I've lost count of how many times she came to me crying about you being an idiot." He interrupts his little speech to secure the bandage and takes out another gauze pad, turning his attention to my other hand. My mind is reeling and I _really_ hope he's finished soon, because I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Listening to him telling me all the things I don't want to hear, even when I know they're true.

Hakuba lets out a loud sigh, signaling he's about to continue his monologue.  
"I know you've never been the type to share your feelings, always hiding behind that Poker Face of yours, but I think it would be good if you talked to someone. "  
I almost laugh. Aoko gave me an eerily similar speech a few months ago. I mean, she even dragged me to a therapist. Not that it did any good. But I really don't need a repeat performance of that.  
"I can understand that you're angry, but I feel like it's getting out of control. You're lashing out at anyone who comes too close, and if no one's there, you're turning that anger against yourself. It's not healthy."

He looks at me, worry and sympathy lining his face, but there's also an edge to his expression, something that tells me that he's dead serious. "But I won't stand by and watch as you hurt Aoko-kun. I've been keeping quiet for far too long. And now you've taken things even further and hurt her physically. How far are you willing to let this go? When will you see that you need help?"  
He stops talking, almost making me think that he's finally done, but then he takes a deep breath and continues.  
"I don't know what exactly is going on with you, I have a feeling that there's more than just what happened to your mother. Whatever it is, you should either talk to someone or resolve it on your own, but until you do that .. maybe it would be better if you kept your distance from Aoko-kun. I care about both of you and it pains me to see you both hurt, but there's only so much I can do."

The truth hurts. That's why people try to avoid it so often. But you can't outrun it, you can't hide from it. Eventually it will find you and punch you in the face. Sometimes it comes in the form of a British detective.

"You're right." I don't know what else to say. He's right about everything. I don't know if it's because he's a good detective or because he knows me too well – or because my Poker Face isn't as good as it used to be -, but every single word he spoke was true to the core. No, actually, there's one thing he got wrong. I don't need help. I can deal with his mess alone.  
Hakuba finishes up bandaging my left hand and looks up, and I'm surprised to see that he's surprised.  
"What?"  
"You agree? Just like that? I'm sorry .. I just thought you would-"  
"I would what? Disagree? Protest? Defend myself? .. Why bother, when you're telling the truth and we both know it."

He shakes his head. Eloquent Hakuba lost for words. Who thought I'd ever see the day. Maybe he's run out of them after his little speech.  
"So, what are you going to do?" he asks, sitting back in the chair and fixing me with an expecting look.  
"I'll leave her alone. I won't see her, I won't talk to her, I won't call or text her."  
I've tried to stay away from her before, but .. I couldn't do it. I'm weak like that. I told myself that I only stay close to her to make sure she's okay, but it's just another lie. The truth is that I can't stand being without her. But Hakuba is right. Whatever I do, it's hurting her and it's not fair. Especially after today. Maybe I have to remove myself from her life completely. Maybe that's the only way. It might kill me, but at least she'll be safe from me.

Hakuba stares at me, his expression a mix of confusion and disbelief.  
"What?" I snap, anger bubbling up inside of me. Isn't that what he wanted to hear?  
It's as if he reads my thoughts.  
"That's not what I want, Kuroba. I want to see her happy and, truth be told, I don't know if she will be without you."  
"Well, it's not much of a choice, is it?! You said-"  
He shakes his head, cutting me off.  
"It doesn't matter what I said. What matters is that you do the right thing. Maybe if you told us what's going on, we could help you-"  
"No. There's nothing you can do."  
"So I was right. It's not just about your mother, something else isgoing on." He sounds just a little bit triumphant, but I could smack myself for my stupidity. He got me riled up and careless and I slipped up.  
"There's nothing you can do, because there is nothing something needs to be done about."  
I say it even though I know it won't fool Hakuba.

"What did you get yourself into, Kuroba? This has nothing to do with .. you know, right?"  
He means KID. This has everything and nothing to do with KID. But I wonder why he doesn't say it outright. Him accusing me of being KID isn't exactly a new thing. Maybe he's afraid Aoko will come up and overhear. Not that that has ever stopped him before.  
I shake my head.  
"No, it has nothing to do with it, or no, it has to do with it?" he asks for clarification.  
"Nothing has anything to do with anything."

"Good Lord, Kuroba!" Hakuba stands up and takes two large steps away, before turning back around to face me. "What is the matter with you? Aoko-kun is scared and worried sick, and I'm trying to help you here! Can you please drop the tough guy act? It's insufferable!"

I stand up as well, the frustration and anger finally boiling over. "This has nothing to do with being tough! But there's nothing you can do and it would be best for _everyone_ if you'd just drop it! Just .. let it go."

I turn on my heel and rush out the door, scared of what I might do to him if I stayed. But I forgot about Aoko and I run smack into her at the bottom of the stairs. Tea cups go flying around us, crashing to the floor in pieces and dripping scalding hot tea.

Just .. great.

"You okay? Aoko? I'm sorry, I didn't see you-"  
"BAKAITO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"  
Suddenly she's on top of me, pounding my chest with curled fists. Hot tears drop on my face.  
I try to grab her wrists, but she wrenches free and continues hitting me.  
I can hear Hakuba's footsteps drawing closer upstairs, drawn by the commotion we're creating.  
"FIRST YOU- YOU- YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN YOUR EYES AND WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! YOU'RE SUCH A JERK! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

The worst part about this whole scene is that I start laughing because 'jerk' is the worst insult she comes up with. And that's a really jerky thing to do.

"Aoko!"

She's pulled away from me, but she struggles and fights Hakuba with all she's got. I swallow my laughter and get back on my feet.

"Aoko! Calm down, please!"

When did she become just 'Aoko'? She was 'Aoko-kun' when he was talking to me – was he just being polite? Or did he drop the honorific in the heat of the moment? It's probably not the right time to wonder about that, but I can't help it. Or the jealousy that follows.

Hakuba glares at me while he pulls Aoko outside. The front doors shuts behind them and I'm left alone between the broken pieces of my mother's favorite tea service. How fitting. I'm right where I belong. With the trash.

The door opens again and I look up, startled. How long has it been? It couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

Hakuba steps inside. He's alone. And he looks furious.

"I can't believe you, Kuroba. I really can't. After what you did to her earlier, she stood on my doorstep, bawling and devastated. And when she told me what had happened, I didn't want to believe her. The Kuroba I knew wouldn't have done something like that. He had some odd quirks for sure and wasn't exactly a morally outstanding citizen – but he _never_ would have attacked his best friend. Except there was a bruise to prove it. And you know what? She was worried about _you_. You hurt her in every possible way, and all she could think about was what was wrong with _you_. She practically begged me to come with her, because she was _scared_ to go alone, but she wanted to come back anyway. To make sure _you_ were okay. Can you believe that? I can't. You certainly don't deserve it. I've tried to reason with you, tried to help you, but you made it clear that you don't want my help. I'm done here. Stay away from her."

He doesn't even give me a chance to answer, just turns around and leaves. I don't know what to think. He's so right. The truth fucking hurts but you can't deny it. It's ultimate.  
I sit down on the stairs and put my face in my hands.

_Great job, really fucking well done. How to lose your friends 101_

How did my life become .. this?

Upstairs, my phone starts ringing and, despite the urge to stay right where I am and feel sorry for myself, I force myself to get it. Because I know who that ringtone belongs to.  
It's Snake.

* * *


	5. Swing Life Away

_Okay, this is weird. I've never had a diary, or journal, or anything like that before. What do I do? Do I pretend to talk to someone? I don't know how this works, someone help me!_  
_..Okay, I came to realize that nobody will come to my aid here, so I'll just have to figure this out on my own, right? Well, I've handled worse, I can deal with an empty book. I guess I could ask Jii-chan. After all, he's the one who suggested I start writing down my thoughts. But that would be such a weird conversation. "Hey, Jii-chan. So, how exactly does one operate a journal?"_  
_I dunno what to write here? What if someone sees it? They're going to think I'm a total nutcase. Which I'm not, just so you know. I'm perfectly, reasonably sane. I know that's what insane people always say, but you just have to trust me._  
_Who am I even talking to? This is useless_

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**5 months ago**

It's Friday and I had to reschedule my heist because Aoko would have skinned me _and_ her father alive if we'd both missed dinner.  
Not happening, I like my skin. It's very nice skin.

"So, Kaito-kun, how's school going?"  
I think he has been asking me that exact same question for .. over ten years. In irregular intervals.  
"Good." I answer. It's not an outright lie .. just stretching the facts a little bit.  
"Kaito, don't lie!" Aoko reprimands me and I wince.  
_Thanks a lot.._  
She turns to her father. "He almost failed two of his classes last semester."  
Nakamori looks at me curiously. Of course, my grades in high school were outstanding, even after KID made a comeback. But that was high school. And I didn't have a job back then.  
"Why's that? I can't believe that it's too hard for you."  
I open my mouth to reply, but Aoko jumps in. "It's not. He's just lazy and never shows up to class!"

I frown and throw a piece of grilled chicken at her. "I can talk for myself. And how do you know when I skip class? You're not even in the same building."  
She glares at me and pats around on her head for the chicken. "People talk." is her simple answer. I frown. So, is that my new reputation or what? Kuroba Kaito, the guy who always skips class? Her father looks between us, his lips twitching.  
"She's not wrong though. I missed a lot last semester. But I've learned my lesson, and I'll do better this time."  
"I hope so." Nakamori grunts and resumes eating.

Aoko finally finds the chicken and flicks it back at me, but I dodge and answer her attack with a generous amount of rice. She looks at me, as if she couldn't believe I'd actually done that, rice corns raining down her face. I'm not sure her father is happy that we're behaving like five-year-olds, but to his credit, he doesn't complain. He simply finishes his meal, puts the plate away and seeks shelter in his office, where no flying food can reach him.

I'm running out of food to throw, so I lean over the table and get some from Aoko's plate. She grabs my hand and suddenly we're arm-wrestling.  
I flash her a cocky grin. "You know you can't win that."  
"Watch me!"  
Her brows furrow in concentration and she pushes harder, causing little beads of sweat to appear on her forehead. I let her push my arm down a little bit, before I fight back again, bringing her's almost completely down. Then I let her take over again. This back and forth continues for a while, neither of us willing to give up.  
Aoko glares at me and lets out an exasperated huff.  
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
Still, I gradually stop resisting until she holds my arm down on the table.  
"Aoko won!" she calls out, clearly happy. But just a few seconds later the satisfied grin vanishes from her face and is replaced with a frown. "You let Aoko win, didn't you?"  
I shake my head. "I wouldn't do that. Apparently, I was wrong – you're stronger than you look."  
Her gaze holds mine for a few moments, conveying what her silence isn't saying. She sees right through me and she knows that I let her win, but she doesn't understand why. Then she looks away, her eyes roaming over the devastated kitchen. And her lips twitch, forming a smug smile.  
"Loser's cleaning up."  
"Hey!"  
"Well, that's what you get for losing. Don't complain. Besides, Aoko has to study."  
I begin to protest – I mean, hey, I have to study too! -, but she shushes me, shoves a broom in my face and stalks off. Cleaning duty it is then.

The rest of the day passes agonizingly slow. I actually have a ton of studying to catch up on and there's only so much information that you can cram into your brain at once. Aoko is moving out tomorrow and I promised to help, so depending on how long that takes, I might not have much time to study. Still...  
Sighing, I stare at the open text book in front of me. I've been reading the same paragraph for at least five minutes now and I still don't know what it says. Maybe it's time for a break.

* * *

Getting up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday should be forbidden. But a promise is a promise.  
After eating breakfast and getting dressed, I meet Aoko at her house. She's already stuffing boxes into her father's car. The back seats have been folded down to make more space.  
"Yo!" I call and she jumps, dropping the box she's carrying on her feet.  
"Ow! Bakaito!"  
Grinning, I walk up to her and make a rose appear in my hand. "Sorry about that." I say and lean closer to put the rose in her hair. The pink petals look nice on her .. and their color matches her blush.  
"Don't sneak up on people like that!" she complains. Typical Aoko – when she's nervous, she gets loud – choosing anger over insecurity. She glares at me and I draw back. But when I venture into the house, I cast a look over my shoulder and I can see her touching the rose with a thoughtful expression on her face. More boxes are stacked in the hallway.  
I grab one and head back out. Aoko is leaning over the trunk, arranging the boxes so more can fit in.  
"I wasn't sneaking. It's not my fault that you're so unaware of your surroundings."  
She jumps again, hitting her head on the hood of the trunk.  
"BAKAITO!" She whirls around and, boy, if looks could kill... Good thing they can't.  
I lean around her and put my box next to the other ones, then take a cautious step back. She might have a mop somewhere in all that stuff. Mop chases aren't as much a thing anymore as they were in high school, but every now and then, if I annoy her enough...  
Thankfully, there is no mop nearby, so she resorts to glaring and huffing. It's kind of adorable.  
"Stop doing that, it's not funny!"  
"Hey, I'm sorry. But I wasn't sneaking." I really wasn't. Maybe I just move more silently than the average person by force of habit.  
"You were!" She starts walking towards the house and I fall in step next to her.  
"Were not!"  
"You so were!"  
"No I wasn't!"

This makes me feel like we're back in high school again. Always bickering. Life was so much simpler back then. We each take another box and bring them out, putting them in the car.  
"We're going to have to make two trips." Aoko says and shuts the trunk – with some difficulties.  
"Astounding observation, Sherlock."  
I peer through the side window. "So … how are _we_ going to fit in there?"  
"Uh..."  
"Everything ready out there?" I turn around to see the inspector in the open front door.  
"Almost. Just need to figure out how Aoko and I are going to fit in!"  
He walks over and opens the driver's door to look inside the car.  
"Hm." Turning to his daughter, he shakes his head slightly. "You didn't think that through, did you?"  
Her abashed face says it all. "Well … no … Aoko forgot."  
"Why don't we take out the two boxes in the front? We're going to have to make two trips anyway. Then Aoko can sit there and I .. I'll just squeeze in somewhere."  
The inspector nods, then shakes his head and frowns. "Yes. I mean, no. I mean, yes about the boxes in the front, that's a good idea. But you can't 'squeeze in', there's no room. And it wouldn't be safe."  
I would disagree with the latter half of his statement, but it's really too early to argue about something so pointless. Instead, I make a quick mental calculation. "We could take out another two boxes without having to make the drive three times, and it would free up enough space for me. .. Or Aoko could sit on my lap." I don't know who looks more flustered at that idea, Aoko or her father, but their expressions are enough to crack me up.  
"Ha..jeez!..Just..just kidding!"  
The inspector mutters something under his breath and gets to work, taking the boxes out of the car. Aoko on the other hand stares at me in something akin to bewilderment.  
"What?" I take a few deep breaths to get my laughter under control. It works, but the corners of my mouth are still fixed in an upward position.  
"Nothing .. .you're just .. it's nothing."  
"Come on, tell me." She sighs and rolls her eyes. "It's nothing, forget about it." Like hell.  
"Come on. Don't be a chicken. Whatever it is, I can take it. What am I?"  
Her exasperated expression almost makes me burst into laughter again.  
"You're an idiot. That's what you are."  
I grimace, putting on my best 'hurt puppy' face. "No, Aoko, don't say things like that. I was wrong, I can't take it. I'm too sensitive!"  
"Oh shush!" She slaps me on the arm playfully, lips twitching in an attempt to hide her own grin. "You're such a dork."  
"I know, thank you."  
She opens her mouth to retort, but her father cuts in.  
"You two going to help or what?"

Aoko's mouth forms a silent 'O', then she turns around to take the box that her father is holding out for her. I take one too and for a few minutes we're all silent, just moving from the car to the house and back.  
At last, there's enough room in the car for all three of us and we're on our way. And now I'm really glad that I didn't have to 'squeeze in', because it's already cramped and uncomfortable as hell. Oh sure, I could have done it, but I'd rather spare my body the pain.  
"Why didn't you rent a moving truck?" I ask. The inspector looks in the rear mirror and meets my eyes for a second, then he focuses back on the road.  
"We thought we didn't really need one, since we don't have to move any of her furniture."  
Oh right, Aoko mentioned that her room came fully furnished.

Thankfully, it's only a twenty minute drive to the apartment building Aoko chose. When we get out of the car, I get a glimpse of her face. She looks really excited. It makes me smile too, it's just .. nice to see her happy.  
We start unloading and the inspector and I follow Aoko. Up two flights of stairs, then to the last door on the right.  
She fumbles for her keys with one hand while trying to hold her box with the other, but the door opens on its own before she finds them.  
"Oh thank goodness! I was hoping you'd come before I have to go. I know, I promised that I'd help, but something came up and it's really important. I'm so, so sorry! I'll try to be back as soon as I can, maybe I can lend a hand later? Do you have your keys?"  
All three of us stand in the hallway, staring at the bubbly girl in the doorway. I'm not even sure what's more baffling. Her way of talking without even taking a breath or the neon pink pants she's wearing. Maybe it's the combination.  
Her half-apologetic half-excited smile falters a bit at our silence.  
"Oh, jesus, I'm sorry. I'm being rude again, aren't I? I swear I have no social skills whatsoever. Please, come in. I'm Misaki … Nagano Misaki."  
She steps to the side and Aoko and her father pass her, both greeting her as they walk by. Then it's my turn. "Nice to meet you, Nagano-san."  
"Well, I really have to get going. See you later, Aoko-chan!" And with that she skips down the hallway.  
I turn to Aoko and mouth 'Aoko-chan', giving her a questioning look. She shrugs and walks through the small hallway, leading us to a door at the other end. There's a door on each side and Aoko opens the one to the left.  
"Welcome to Aoko's new home!" she says enthusiastically. She puts her box down on the floor and turns to us. "It's nice, right?"

I look around. The walls are painted in a light pastel violet. Maybe it's lavender? Or something.  
The room isn't that big, but there is enough space for a bed with a nighstand, a closet, a desk and a book shelf. Though I don't think any more would fit in. All the furniture is made of matching, light wood. Oak, from the looks of it. There's a big window opposite the door, letting in the early sunlight.  
"Yeah, it's nice."  
Her father makes a noncommittal noise, his way of agreeing. We stack our boxes on top of each other and head out again to get the rest.

About an hour and a half later, everything is moved and the inspector has excused himself to go to work. Aoko just shook her head at his retreating back, muttering something about weekends and working too much.  
Aoko flops down on her bed and lets out an exhausted breath. I follow suit, casting a look at the boxes on top of boxes on top of boxes...  
"Jeez, what even _is_ all that stuff?"  
An elbow connects with my ribs, albeit without much force.  
"Just Aoko's life." She sounds kind of melancholic, and her face expresses the same. I put my arm around her shoulders.  
"You don't regret moving out, do you?"  
She sighs and shakes her head. "No. It's just … it'll take some time to get used to. And who makes sure that you and dad are getting a decent meal every once in a while now?"  
I fake a cough. "You call your cooking _decent_?"  
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Do you have a problem with the food Aoko makes?" Her eyes fixate me with a challenging look.  
"No, no. Just saying, I mean .. you know. You're not exactly..."  
"Not exactly _what_?"  
"You know." I say helplessly. This won't end well. While I'm being honest, I don't really want to hurt her feelings. How do I put this so she doesn't want to kill me in the end?  
"No, actually, Aoko doesn't."  
"Come on, Aoko. Your food was edible, but we both know you're not a gourmet chef."  
"It's not _that_ bad."  
"Do you remember those steaks you made once? They literally crumbled apart." Her eyebrow twitches in annoyance. As if anyone could forget those steaks. But I feel like I'm just making this worse.  
"That was a one-time thing!"  
"Noooo, not really." I should stop talking.  
"Fine! Aoko's cooking sucks! Aoko is sorry for trying to look out for you and her dad! He's always working so late and when she doesn't cook he forgets to eat and you're no better. You'd probably live off of coffee and ice cream if it wasn't for Aoko."  
"Probably." Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because she starts crying. And oh no, please no. I can handle an angry Aoko, but crying? Crying is just so much worse.

Pulling her closer, I use my other hand to pluck the rose from her hair and present it to her again.  
"I'm sorry if I said something wrong. Here's a peace offering."  
She lets out something that's half a sob, half a laugh, but she takes the rose.  
"Your tricks are getting really cheap, Kaito. Using the same rose twice? You're never going to get on a big stage like that."  
"But it's not the same rose. It just looks like it." I say with all earnestness. She looks up, tears still trailing down her cheeks. "You just took it out of Aoko's hair. Aoko felt it."  
"Ah, ah-" I wiggle my index finger in front of her face. "I just made you _think_ that I did that. But actually, the rose in your hair is still there and this is a completely new one."  
"Aoko is not stupid". She rolls her eyes, but then she halts and brings a hand to her head, fingers brushing over soft petals.  
"How did you-"  
"Magic." Well, more like: taking the rose out of her hair, giving it to her and simultaneously placing a new one on her head while she's not paying attention. But hey, magic sounds so much more _magical_.  
She twirls the new rose between her fingers, looking at it in contemplation. "Aoko has been living in that house her entire life. There are so many memories, you know? Especially of Aoko's mum, and..." her voice trails off.  
"I get it. It's okay." I mumble. At least, I think I do. Imagining to leave my own home, I kind of get what she means.  
"So, how's your new roommate? I heard you're already on friendly terms with each other."  
Aoko slips out from under my arm and turns so she's facing me, pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged.  
"Nagano-san is nice. She talks a lot sometimes, but she's nice."  
"That's it? She talks a lot and she's nice?"  
"Well .. what do you expect Aoko to say? Aoko doesn't know her that well, yet."

I scoot back a little so I can lean my back against the wall. "But you liked her enough that you decided to move in here?"  
She shrugs and I watch her hands, turning the rose round and round, carefully stroking the pink petals. "Sort of? You know Aoko has been looking for a place for months and this-" she pauses and waves one hand around, "-it's affordable, near the campus, and the neighborhood isn't too bad. Aoko probably would've taken it no matter the roommate, as long as it wasn't some weird creep. It's hard to find something like this."  
I hum noncommittally and close my eyes. Silence falls over the room, easy and comfortable. Until Aoko yawns and breaks it. Grinning, I pry one eye open.  
"I told you, starting this early was a bad idea. You need help unpacking all this stuff?" She shakes her head and hides another yawn behind her hand. We both laugh when I yawn too. It really is infectious.  
"No, Aoko's got it. Besides, you still have to catch up on some stuff, right? Don't want you almost failing that weird mythology class again. Aoko still doesn't get why you even take that. It's got nothing to do with electrical engineering at all."

I stand up and stretch my arms above my head, biting back another yawn, and look at her.  
"It's interesting, that's all."  
"Since when are you interested in that kind of stuff?"  
Shrugging, I bury my hands in my pockets. "Anyway, I'll get going then. Call me if you need anything."  
"Okay. Thanks." Her grateful smile is the last thing I see before I turn around. I kind of wish I could stay, but I don't want to impose on her. And judging from her tired face, she's probably going to take a nap before she starts unpacking. A nap sounds really good, actually.  
"See ya!" I raise one hand in a goodbye gesture, then I leave the apartment.

It's chilly and I regret not wearing a jacket. Lifting the boxes and moving around kept me warm before, but now the biting cold wind hits me right in the face. A shudder moves through my entire body and I break into a jog. Current plan? Getting back home without freezing to death, then taking a long nap. Good plan.

A few hours later I find myself staring at a book – again. What Aoko said got me thinking. I took that mythology class hoping that maybe I'd stumble over an old legend or something that would lead me to Pandora. It sounds pretty silly if you put it that way. Far-fetched. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, but so far it's been amazingly useless. Maybe I should drop it. I have enough things on my plate as it is and Jii-chan is more than happy to research all those old myths for me. I exhale slowly and close the book, reaching for my phone.  
I still haven't talked to Jii-chan about narrowing down the list of possible targets and now's probably as good a time as any.


	6. Behind Closed Doors

_I'll never forget the way he looked at me. I'll never forget his expression when he realized what he gave away. I'll never forgot the way he smiled at me when I brought him his tea or the way his voice broke when he begged me to kill him. I'll never forget the way his body went limp. There was this moment, it was … barely a second, where I thought he regretted asking me to..anyway, when I saw it, I wanted to stop. But it was already too late, because in that same moment I pulled the trigger. Maybe it was for the better? What else was there in store for him? He would have been tortured until he either told them what they wanted to know or until his body gave up. And if he told them... they would have killed him anyway. Either way, he was going to end up dead. I just .. accelerated the process. At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of. I don't think it's working. I'll never forget what happened behind that door, but I can't ever breathe a word of it to anyone. Nobody can know. I shouldn't even be writing it down, I should burn this page right now. But I can't live with it. I can't live knowing what I've done and_ ~~maybe I hope that, by writing it down, somehow it'll get easier.~~ Sometimes I hope for really stupid things.  
His name was Shozo Akio. He was a good man and he didn't deserve to die, but life is not fair and good people die all the time.  
I fucking hate life sometimes.

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**Now**

I stare at the door. Reach out, grab the handle .. and hesitate. I don't know if I can do this. But as always, I don't have a choice. And I can feel Snake's impatient eyes burning holes into my back.

I take a deep breath and shove all my fears aside. Then I enter the room and shut the door behind me, keeping my eyes on the floor. I don't want to look at him.

His ragged breathing is the only sound in the room.  
"You? But-" A coughing fit cuts him off and slowly, I look up and meet his eyes. One of them is swollen shut, but the other one stares at me, betrayal and accusation burning behind the brown iris.  
He doesn't want to believe it.  
I can't answer. I can't breathe. I can't think.  
This is so much worse than I thought it would be. It's not the first time I've seen something like this, but it's different now. Because I'm more than a bystander now. Because I know that man.

He's barely even alive, his clothes torn and bloody. What I can see of his skin is just as bloody and covered in cuts and bruises. Black and purple, blue and green. And red, so much red. He coughs again, but then he rights himself on the chair he's bound to.  
"You're one of them." His voice is weak and falters at the last word.  
I'm still lost for words, but I nod. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.  
Oh, I know what my _assignment_ is, but I don't see how I can do more than Panther, who's specialty is exactly this .. getting people to talk, by whatever means necessary.

I sit down on the cold floor and lean my back against the door. I'm probably the worst interrogator this organization has ever seen.  
"What are you going to do?" he asks.  
"I'm just here to talk."

The way he laughs is just as broken as his body and it sends icy shivers down my spine.  
"Talk, eh. Then talk, boy. Say whatever it is they told you to say, but I won't tell you where it is."  
_It_ being the jewel the Animals are after. Another Pandora candidate and only the old man knows where it is. It must be pretty special for them to go to such lengths to obtain information about its whereabouts.  
"I suppose you wouldn't change your mind if I asked politely?" I start off, because I really don't know what to say.  
He shakes his head. Well, that would have been too easy, I guess.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."  
It's probably not worth much. The old man doesn't answer, but I know he's listening.  
"I really am. In the two days I worked for you .. I saw that you're a good man. You don't deserve this."  
I wait a minute. Give him a chance to say something, and myself one to sort out my thoughts.

"When did you start collecting gems?"  
He grins, but there's nothing funny about it. It reminds me of a wild animal that's backed into a corner and ready to fight to his death.  
"You'll have to try harder than that, boy."  
He's stubborn, and resilient. They tortured him for days, but he's still fighting. I wonder where he finds the strength.

When I leave the room two hours later, I run straight into Snake. Has he been out here the whole time? Did he listen?  
"He's not talking." I say and shake my head. I turn to leave but Snake grabs my arm and pushes me back toward the door.  
"Then try harder. You're not getting out of here until we have a location." he growls and gives me another push. My back crashes against the steel door, knocking the breath out of me. Pain shoots up and down my spine.  
For a terrifying second I physically can't breathe. Then air rushes back into my lungs and I take a few panicked breaths, before I remember that I'm not alone.  
I fix my mask and meet Snake's cold eyes.  
"I've tried, okay? Why can't Panther-"

He shoves me against the door again, but this time he keeps me pinned there and leans in close. I can feel his breath against my ear. It smells like cigars.  
" _Panther_ has done her job. Now it's your turn. And you know what happens if you don't do _exactly_ what I tell you to do. Get back in there and get me a location. I don't care how you do it, but I want results. _Today_."

He draws back and starts to leave, but he stops after a few steps and looks at me over his shoulder.  
"I'll send Panther to assist you. But this is your job, so if I were you.." He doesn't need to finish the sentence, the warning in his eyes is clear enough.  
I'm rooted to the spot, trying to fight the panic that's bubbling in my stomach. Yes, I know what will happen if I don't follow his orders. I know that very well and it's the only reason I turn around and get back into that room. I don't waste time. Earlier, I was afraid to use her, but now, with a fresh reminder of what's at stake, it's easier to ignore my doubts.  
"Why don't we talk about your granddaughter?"  
It's desperate, because I don't even know if the girl I saw _was_ his granddaughter, but the widening of his functioning eye tells me enough.

When I get home that evening, my mind is blank. I find myself in the bathroom without remembering how I got there, but I'm pretty sure that my body guided me there because I'm about to throw up.  
Nothing really comes out, because I haven't eaten today. A fact that I remember only now, while I'm hanging over the toilet, dry heaving.

When my stomach finally calms down, I take a bath. And I scrub.  
I scrub until my skin is bleeding and the water around me takes on a pale rose color.  
I can't think. I can't .. I can't.

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting in the bathtub, but my brain is slowly beginning to work again and the water is ice cold. My skin is burning and stinging and the guilt is so overwhelming, so all-consuming.

Time ceases to exist while I sit in the cold water and cry. This is it. Rock bottom. I can't possibly sink any lower.  
Is this even worth it? I'm trading lives, as if it was my right to decide who deserves to live and who doesn't. But I have no fucking right.  
I took a life today, to save another one. I endangered a life, to save another one. Who am I to make these trades?  
But I can't … I can't …

I start laughing. And it makes me feel unhinged. But this is exactly the way I felt the first time, and yet .. here I am now. I've done it again.  
What does that make me?  
I know the answer and I wish I didn't.

I get out of the bathtub and dry myself off, ignoring the pain from my raw skin. I shut it all off.  
Like a switch.  
Emotions on. Emotions off.  
I'm not sure how, I just do. Maybe because my mind would break otherwise. A defensive mechanism.  
I don't know how long it will last and I don't care.


	7. Blood-Red, White & Blue

_She's ~~dead gone~~ dead ~~they killed her she's gone I can't breathe why why why~~ WHY_

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**4 months ago**

"Mom?" I stare at her, gaping.  
She turns around and grins. "Surprise!"  
Well .. that's just... so typical. I shut my mouth, shake my head and sit down at the kitchen table.  
"Couldn't have called and told me you were coming, could you?"  
"It wouldn't have been much of a surprise then."

Only now do I notice the white roses and paper cups that cover the table. I peer into the nearest cup and find blue colored water.  
"You're making blue roses?"  
She smiles, takes a rose and begins to cut the stem.  
"You were running low, so I thought I'd help out."

I'm stunned for a moment, but then I return her smile.  
"Thanks."  
I pick up a rose and slide my fingers over the soft petals. So pure. And we're going to ruin them with flashy colors.  
"So, what brings you here?"  
"What, can't a mother come home to see her son every now and then?" she asks back. Well, she has a point there. Still, it's been a while since she last 'came home to see her son'. In fact, she hasn't bothered to do that in over a year, so yeah, I'm a little miffed. With a quiet sigh I swallow my irritation – I really don't want to be upset about this, I'd rather just enjoy that she's here. She could be gone tomorrow for all I know.

We work together in companionable silence, cutting roses and filling cups with them. When it grows late, mom leaves the job to me and starts making dinner.  
It's nice and kind of weird at the same time. I haven't seen her in person in over a year and I'm used to being alone. Especially at home.  
Now that someone else is here, I feel like my private space is being invaded. But that's ridiculous. This is as much her home as it is mine.  
I keep my thoughts to myself and finish off the last roses. Then I arrange the cups so we'll have some space to eat, but I realize soon that there's too many of them. The table is full.  
I look at my mother for help, but she has her back to me and is focused on dinner.  
"Mom?"  
She turns around and instantly sees my problem.

In the end, we eat our dinner in the living room, in front of the TV. Somehow, we're constantly switching between nice and awkward. I guess neither of us is used to being together anymore.  
"So, how's your job going?" she asks during a commercial break.  
"Which one?"  
She gives me a playful nudge with her elbow.  
"The one that pays, of course."

"It's okay." I shrug, not really sure what to say. I'm a bartender, it's not that impressive.  
"That's it?"  
"Don't tell me you really want to hear about the guy who puked all over the bar, or how disgusting it was to clean that mess up."  
She laughs. "I would love to hear about that. Or you know, just in general. How is the place you're working at? It's one of those new nightclubs, right? Are they paying you enough? Is your boss treating you okay?"  
"Yeah, my boss is okay. The pay too."  
"That's good. Look at you, with your petty thief parents, making money with an earnest job."  
I snort. "Petty? Have you _seen_ a KID heist? One of dad's, I mean. I've looked up old newspapers and recordings and it sounds like they were really amazing."  
She looks at the ceiling with a dreamy face.  
"I've seen plenty of your father's heists. They were always so magical. He dazzled everyone with his charm until they forgot that he was even stealing something."  
I feel like she's about to launch into one of her lovey-dovey stories, which is definitely not something I want to hear.  
"I'm pretty sure his charm didn't _dazzle_ inspector Nakamori." I say to steer the conversation in a direction that _won't_ end with a love story.  
She lets out a loud laugh. "Oh, that poor man. Between you and me? He never stood a chance. And it was amusing to watch him blow up at every heist. The words I learned just from listening to him...is he still like that?"  
"Pretty much, yeah."  
She chuckles softly and pushes the rice in her bowl around. Something's on her mind.  
"So, tell me about this nightclub. Do you like it there?" But apparently she doesn't want to talk about it.  
"It's okay."  
"Yes, you've already said that." She sighs dramatically. "Tell me about the puking man, then. If that's the only story you have."  
"I'm not going to talk about that while I'm _eating_ , thank you very much."  
She laughs again and I lose the fight against my own laughter. It's just nice to see her like this. I still remember how it was after dad died. I always knew my mom as this super strong, creative, witty person, with a kind of strange sense of humor – I mean, dad's heists were cool, but mom's? Total freak show –, but losing him … it broke her. It took her years to get back on her feet. Years without real laughter or smiles. I'm glad she can laugh again.

"Come on, I just want to know more about your life. I feel so out of the loop."  
I bite back a comment on how that's mostly her fault for basically abandoning me when I was a teenager, but … it's not worth it. It would just ruin the mood.  
"Do the girls flirt with you a lot?"  
"Mom!"  
"What? Am I not allowed to ask?"  
"What kind of question is that anyway?" I say, without really answering.  
Still, I can't fight the blush that's creeping across my cheeks. Damn, _mothers_. I forgot how terrible they can be. I mean, I get hit on, sometimes, but … it's not exactly the kind of thing I want to share with my _mom_.  
"So?"  
I roll my eyes, shovel food into my mouth and nod. There, now I can only answer simple yes-or-no-questions. Too bad that that doesn't stop her.  
"The ladies?"  
I try to shake my head and nod at the same time and it comes out as a weird shrug-thingy. Despite my hope that her curiosity is satisfied, she keeps prodding. I guess it's normal, after all we haven't really talked in a while, and she is my mother. But this is starting to feel like an interrogation.  
"So, the ladies _and_ the boys?"  
I groan inwardly, swallow and sigh. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, the girls do, sometimes, and I guess the guys .. not really? I don't know-" What on earth has happened to this conversation? "Can we talk about something else now?"  
"Fine, fine." she concedes, even though she looks like she's enjoying this _way_ too much. I can't say I like her next topic choice a lot better.  
"How's your girlfriend?"  
"I don't have one."  
"What? What happened to Aoko-chan?"  
"She never was my girlfriend, mom." I can hear the irritation in my own voice.  
"But you two have been in love since you were this little." She holds up a hand to indicate the height of a small kid.  
She couldn't have picked a worse topic. And it's not like we've never talked about this before.  
"You know why I can't be with her. If she'd even want to... not that it matters."  
"Shush, nonsense!"  
I frown at her. I know what she's going to say, we've been there.  
"No. I know what you think. But this is .. not the same thing as with you and dad. It's .. different."

She's silent for a while, a pensive look on her face. When she speaks again, it's quiet and serious.  
"I know it's not the same, honey. I just wish .. you weren't alone. Your father and I both got into this shady business, but at least we had each other. You don't know how much strength that gives you."  
I blow a sigh through my nose and set my plate down, my appetite having vanished.  
"I get that, mom, I do. But Aoko isn't you and I can't drag her into this, it's too dangerous. And you know I'd never ask her to be with me while I'm keeping this big secret from her."  
"I know .. I know. I just want to see my son happy. Is that too much to ask for?"

I don't have an answer to that.

Life settles back into routine, albeit with a few differences. When I come home, someone is waiting for me. We share household chores and she makes sure that I eat between classes and my jobs.  
She even wants to help with heists, but I'm reluctant to let her.  
Oh, her expertise would come in handy, there's no question about that. It's just .. something between me and my father, it's a bond that we share. And I'm afraid that it will break if I let something, or someone, in. I guess, technically, I let Jii-chan in, but it's … just different with him. He's been in it from the very beginning.

So I prepare for the heist without her, and I pull it off without her. Like I always do.  
It goes about as well as expected. In other words, a million things go wrong and I have to rely on the fourth backup plan, but at least I got the jewel. That damned brat saw through all but one tricks and somehow managed to avoid all the traps I set up.  
I can't even... As much as I enjoy the challenge – how is he doing that? Every single time. It's creepy. Seriously.

I'm positive I lost him now and when I close the door to the roof behind me, I let out a relieved sigh.  
Finally.  
"Kaitou KID!" a voice calls. A voice I know very well by now and I really hoped I wouldn't hear it tonight. No such luck.  
I turn around and survey the scene. Snake and five of his buddies, crowded at the edge of the roof, guns ready.  
Poker Face.  
"Snake. So nice to see you!" I sweep into a mocking bow.  
But he doesn't seem to be in the mood for games.  
"Hand over the jewel!"  
"Oh, this one?" I hold the emerald up, bathing it in moonlight. Well, it's not Pandora. "That's too bad, 'cause you know, I really like this one, so I thought I'd keep it!"

I move as soon as I see that his finger moves towards the trigger of his gun, and it's not a second to late. A searing pain erupts in my cheek when the bullet tears up my skin.  
"Cut the crap, KID! Give me the jewel or we'll-"

"You what? Shoot me? Good luck with that!" I dodge again, but the shot I expected doesn't come.  
I take a cautious step closer. Still a good distance away from them, but close enough to better see his expression. He's smiling and it gives me the creeps.  
"No. We'll have a chat with your wife."

It takes a precious moment before my brain registers who he's talking about. I don't have a wife. But he still thinks I'm Toichi, which means … my mother.  
They wouldn't... they would. Shit. She has to hide, leave the country, anything. I have to warn her. That's all I can think about.

"Stay away from her." I don't even recognize my own voice, it's too cold to be mine. But my mouth is moving and forming words.  
Snake laughs. And he actually puts his gun away, then gestures to his buddies to do the same. He's sure of his position.  
"We've been lenient, KID. But you're getting on our nerves and if you don't stop stealing our jewels, your wife and son will pay for it. You have my word on that."

I'm half sure that I'm not thinking straight, but I toss the jewel their way and make a hasty escape. There's nothing I can do here. I have to warn mom.

I get home in record time and rush into the house, already calling for my mother, panic lacing my voice. What if they already got to her? No, that doesn't make any sense. They couldn't have gotten here this fast. What if Snake had some of his men near the house and just had to call them?

But she comes out of the kitchen when she hears my calls, silencing my worried thoughts for a short moment, and gives me a confused look.  
I've never been so happy to see her and relief washes over me .. before I remember why I'm so happy to see her. Her confused expression shifts into a worried one.  
"Kaito, what's wrong? You're bleeding!"  
"They-" How do I .. what do I say? "They-" I try again, but there's a giant lump stuck in my throat and it's blocking all the words.  
"They who? They what?" Mom asks and I just look at her, trying to convey my message without words. A terrifying thought creeps up on me. Does she even know what really happened to dad? We never talked about it, but she has to know, right? Right?  
But then she turns ash-white and staggers back, and I know that she knows.  
"They're coming after you?" Oh god, _no_. She got it all wrong.  
"No, they're coming after _you_!" The words tumble out, frantic and breathless, but at least they got out.  
She shakes her head. But we don't have time for her to _not_ get it. She needs to get it _now_ and then she has to leave.  
And that's exactly what I tell her.

"I'm not leaving!"  
"But, mom-"  
"No, Kaito, listen," she grabs my shoulders and gives me a hard stare. I don't think I've ever seen her this serious. "I've left you alone before, but I'm not doing it again. _Especially_ not now. Why won't you just let me help you?"  
She sounds almost desperate and guilt twinges at my heart. But this is _my_ burden.  
"It's not your job!"  
"It _is_ my job to protect my child, why can't you understand that?"  
"Because I'm an adult now. I can take care of myself! You weren't there when I needed you and I learned to do without you, so don't start playing the concerned mother now!"  
That was low. I know that.  
She stares at me, tears pooling in her eyes and I'm already regretting my words.  
"Just because you've grown up doesn't mean you stop being my child. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I left you alone for so long, I wasn't being a good mother and I regret it. But, _please_ , let me help you now."

We're both breathing hard, staring at each other, neither of us willing to give in. She absolutely can't stay here, not if they'll come for her.

"I can't lose you too..."  
She backs off after I say it, sympathy flickering across her face.  
"And I can't lose you."  
Sometimes I forget that, while I lost my father, she lost the love of her life. I don't know what's worse. I forget that she suffered just as much as I did, if not more.

"What do we do?" I lean against the wall, suddenly tired and weary. Fighting isn't helping.  
"Let me help."  
"How?"  
She hesitates. Shakes her head slowly.  
"I'm not sure yet, but we'll come up with a plan. Together."

I know she means to sound reassuring, but all I can think about are the thousands of ways this can end horribly. I still think it would be better if she left the country. But I don't know how I can convince her.  
I need to think about this. And I can only hope that I have enough time to do that.

I call in sick for work and stay home. We talk and talk and talk, but we're just throwing around random ideas and walking in circles.  
It's getting us nowhere. We're just wasting time.  
And god, I'm so tired. I could fall asleep standing. Mom sees that and tries to send me to bed.  
Despite the serious situation, it makes me chuckle.  
"I'm not five, mom. You can't do that anymore."  
"But you look exhausted.. And I don't think they'll show up tonight. Or did they say they would?"  
I think back to my conversation with Snake, but my mind is so foggy, it's hard to recall his exact words. Still, I try. And why haven't we covered that before? It's important.  
"He said that .. if I don't stop stealing, they'll have a chat with you." That about sums it up, right?  
"Okay, that's good."  
"How on earth is that _good_?" I ask, incredulity seeping into my voice.  
"It means we have time. As long as you don't pull any heists.."  
I tune out. It's such a simple solution, I didn't even think about it. All I have to do is stop being KID and they leave her alone, right?  
Now that I thought of it, it should be an easy choice. Except that it's not. How do I know that they'll not come after her anyway? It's not like they're the kind of people who hold true to their promises.

Groaning, I push a few paper cups away and lay my head down on the edge of the table.  
"We could both leave the country." my mom says quietly. And I think about it. Think about everything I'd leave behind. My home, my friends .. Aoko ..  
Is it a prize I'm willing to pay to see my mother safe?  
"You could leave and I could stay." I say without much conviction.  
And we're right back where we started.  
I shift my eyes to look at her without lifting my head. She looks as exhausted as I feel. And she shakes her head.  
"I thought we already discussed this? I'm not leaving you." She says it witch such a finality that I don't even think about arguing.

Maybe leaving is the best option. Maybe it's the only option. It might not be enough if I just stop stealing, they might kill her anyway.  
"Where would we go?"  
She's silent for so long that I start to think she won't answer at all. And when she does, her voice is so raw and pained, it pierces straight through my heart.  
"You'd come with me? Leave everything behind?"  
And I realize that I would. If it means she'll be alive. It will also be safer for Aoko if I'm gone.  
She's not in immediate danger since they still think I'm my father. If I'm gone they'll never make a connection to her. Hopefully.  
"I would." I say it and I mean it, and despite all the logical reasons, it feels so .. wrong.  
"I don't know. Paris? New York? Or maybe a nice little town somewhere.." she trails off.

We're both tired, but neither of us can sleep. Mom thinks we have time, but I don't want to take the risk. What if we don't?  
It takes some more arguing, but finally she gives in. We're leaving. Now. .. Well, with the next plane we can catch anyway. Europe. France. Nantes. Until then, we're going to hide at one of dad's old hideouts. We both agree that it's definitely too dangerous to stay here.

I go upstairs to pack while mom takes care of the tickets. I think I'm in shock. Everything feels .. _off_. Not right.  
But this is the right decision. The safest.  
I'm giving up on my promise to dad, I'm abandoning my mission – but it has to be the right choice. If she won't leave alone, I have to go with her.  
I keep repeating that to myself, to make it seem more true.

I'm about to stuff a bunch of shirts into my bag when I hear the front door open and I frown. Where's she going?  
But then the door slams shut and I hear _his_ voice. No. _No._  
I practically fly down the stairs and skid into the kitchen, a part of my brain already forming plans, while the rest is still trying to process.  
There's only three of them. We can handle three. I don't have anything on me. No flash bombs, no smoke bombs, no sleeping gas, no card gun. It's all in the workroom. Oh god.  
And Snake has a gun pressed to her head.

He turns his head when he hears me coming and I wish I could wipe the smug grin off his face.  
Hatred lights me up from the inside, consuming me.  
He is not going to kill my mother. I'd rather die myself.

And still I'm rooted on the spot. The more logical part of my brain tells me that he'll shoot her, if I make one wrong move.  
"Well, that's two out of three. Why don't you get your sorry excuse of a father, boy? I'm sure he'd love to see this." I've never hated a voice this much.  
What do I do? I can't get my father, for obvious reasons, but he doesn't know that.  
"He's not here." My voice trembles, despite my efforts to keep it level. This exceeds everything I've had to deal with before. Poker Face is failing.  
I can tell that he doesn't believe me.  
"Get him _now_ or-" he doesn't finish the sentence, but it's clear what he means. Shit. _Shit_.  
"Okay! Okay." I say. What? What am I doing? I catch a glimpse of my mother's confused expression when I turn to leave.  
I have to leave her here, alone with these monsters. Everything inside me protests.

"Go with him. Make sure he doesn't try anything stupid." Snake orders and footsteps behind me signal that one of his goons is following me. Crap. Not good.  
My not very well thought-out plan was to slip into my KID regalia and grab a few bombs and a can of sleeping gas. Then I'd come down again and pose as my dad and I could take them out. Hopefully.  
But of course he wouldn't let me wander off alone. I could call the police or something.

I go upstairs anyway, heading towards my room. I'll just have to improvise.  
When I step into my room, my eyes dart around. Maybe I can find something to knock him out or distract him.  
"Your dad's not here." the man behind me says impatiently. Right. Stall.  
"I told you he's not here. I'm calling him. Just need to find my phone."  
Great. That way I can rummage around without being suspicious. I take one step towards my desk when a hand clamps around my arm.  
"You're not calling anyone."  
Dammit. Think, _think_.  
"Then how am I supposed to bring him here?"  
He doesn't answer immediately and when he does, he sounds uncomfortable, like he's not sure if his boss would be happy about it. "Fine. But you put him on speaker. And you don't try anything funny."  
I nod and he lets go of me, so I scramble over to my desk and start digging through the clutter. There's got to be _something_.

I can't believe it. There's a flash bomb in the drawer. It won't knock him out, but while he's blinded, I can get into the workroom unnoticed.  
"Found it." I say and grab the bomb. When I turn around, I shut my eyes tightly and set it off.  
Not wasting any time, I dash over to the portrait and search for the hidden mechanism.  
Even though my eyes were closed, white spots are dancing in front of them.

The man is yelling behind me and Snake will probably send the other one after us soon.  
Just when a hand brushes my shoulder, I open the hidden door and slide in. The portrait swings shut behind me and I let out the breath I was holding.

No time to waste though. I put on the suit, monocle and hat and grab anything in range that might be useful in a fight, all the while fearing that this is taking too long and that she's already..  
No, I can't think like that. The panic will cripple me.

When I get back to the door, I pause for a moment and listen. Gather my thoughts. I'm Kaitou KID now. I'm Toichi. I'm not afraid.  
Oh god, how I wish it were true.  
At least one of them is still there, going through my things, by the sounds of it. He's trying to find me, I realize.

I open the door and step out, sleeping gas already at the ready. He's so surprised that it takes him a second to react, but that second is all I need. His body drops to the floor with a thud.  
For a second I consider tying him up, but that would take too much time and he should be out for a while anyway.

Dismissing the idea, I make my way downstairs again. All my senses are on high alert, I don't know if Snake's other buddy is in the kitchen with him or somewhere else in the house. But nobody attacks me and all too soon I'm facing Snake again. He's leaning against the kitchen counter, holding my mother in front of him like a shield, a gun held against the side of her head.  
She's not fighting him, but I can see the masked fear and how stiff her body is.

"Let her go." It's worth a try, right?  
Snake frowns and looks past me, then at me again. There's something in his face that makes the panic in my stomach roar.  
Can he see my face? I don't know how well this disguise holds up in a brightly lit kitchen, but I pulled the hat extra low. He shouldn't be able to see me clearly. And I lowered my voice to make it sound like my father's.  
"Where's the boy?"  
Right, of course. It's a small relief, but if I haven't been found out, there's still a chance.  
"I left him upstairs to watch your buddy."  
His ears turn crimson. "What did you do to him?"

I laugh, surprised at how nonchalant it sounds. It's so far off from how I really feel.  
"Don't worry, he's alive. But he'll have a nasty headache when he wakes up."  
His face contorts into an angry grimace. I have to tread carefully now. If I push him too far, he'll just shoot her on the spot.

Snake glances between me and his second companion, but then he waves his free hand in direction of the door and says "Check up on them. Tie the boy up."  
I bite back the urge to laugh again. This is good for me. When it's only Snake, I'll take my shot.

When the man starts moving, I ready myself and search for my mother's eyes. I try to signal her that I'm about to do something. Hopefully, she gets the message.  
I wait, impatiently. My palms are sweating, my heart thrums in my chest, and it takes too long for Snake's man to reach the stairs. It's better to wait until he's upstairs, it'll take him longer to rush back here.

Finally, I hear his footsteps pounding up the stairs and I focus on Snake. The smoke bomb is ready to slip out of my sleeve, but I hesitate. What if I can't reach him in time? What if he fires before I get to them?  
I'm counting solely on that one moment of confusion after the smoke spreads out. It's a risk, but I'm running out of time.  
Snake grins at me again, but then he looks around the kitchen and his finger on the trigger relaxes just the tiniest bit.

In one instant, I drop the bomb, pull out the card gun and fire.

The world explodes. Everything is happening at once. Pink smoke fills the kitchen, I leap forward. Snake yells and fires. Glass shatters. A loud thud. More shots. Bang. Bang. Bang. I yell.  
I crash into a body and I really hope it's Snake, because I start pounding at it. He fights back and we wrestle around on the floor, rolling through shards of glass.  
Something cold and hard hits my forehead. My hat goes flying and I'm dazed. The world blinks in and out of focus. Pink.  
Snake.  
He's gone.

I shoot up and whirl around. The smoke is beginning to clear and I see him in the doorway. He looks at me, his eyes widened in surprise. It takes me a second to realize why.  
"It's been you all along, hasn't it?"  
I hate him. I want to kill him.

He's ready when I rush towards him, but my momentum takes us both down and skidding into the hallway.  
"You-"  
His fist connects with my face, with enough force to send me off of him. I taste blood in my mouth.  
When I try to stand up, he's already there and his foot is on my back, holding me down.

"Why-" I choke the word out.  
He laughs, making the hatred in me spike to new heights.  
"I thought, maybe you needed a little more than just a warning. But you know, I wasn't going to kill her. Not today anyway. That's your fault."  
_Your fault your fault your fault_  
No, he's lying. He would have killed her, no matter what I did or didn't do.  
_Your fault your fault_

"Guess we can't use your _son_ for leverage now, can we? We'll have to find something else."  
My stomach drops. Aoko. No.  
"But maybe you learned your lesson now."  
His foot is replaced by his knee as he leans down. It drills painfully into my back. "Would be a shame, if anything happened to your friends, wouldn't it?"  
He knocks me over the head with his gun. For one moment everything erupts in blinding pain. Then black.

I'm not sure how long I've been out when I blink my eyes open. One second. For just one, short second the world is okay.  
Then everything comes crashing down. Snake. Shots. Pain. Mom.

I sit up and turn around. The door to the kitchen is wide open and she's the first thing I see.  
Her body on the floor, crumbled. Lifeless. My mind stocks, can't process.  
This is a nightmare. This is all a dream. Any second now, I'll wake up and everything will be okay.  
The minutes tick by. I stare at her. And slowly it dawns on me. This is real. This is so, so _real_.

My whole body hurts and I have to use the wall for support, but I get up and draw closer. Cautious.  
But there's nothing there that can hurt me. They're all gone. It's just her and me. No. It's just me.

I don't get further than the doorstep. It hurts. It hurts so much. It tears me apart from the inside out.  
He killed her. She's dead. The words keep repeating in my head like a broken record.  
_He killed her. She's dead. He killed her. She's dead._  
I don't know what to do. I can't do anything. She's dead.

I call Jii-chan. Because I don't know what else to do. It rings and rings. I don't even know what time it is. He might be asleep.  
After the tenth ring, he picks up. He sounds tired. And I don't know what to say.  
"Hello? Who's there?"  
My mouth moves, forms silent words. I have to remind myself how to speak aloud.  
"They-I-She..He killed her."  
I don't know if I'm making any sense and I can't answer his frantic questions. Even his voice sounds far away and muffled. I keep staring at her body.

We must have flipped the table when we were fighting, because it's lying on its side and the paper cups and roses are spilled all over the floor.  
And that's the image that burns itself into my mind. My mother, dead, surrounded by white and blue and blood-soaked roses.  
The phone slides through my numb fingers when the reality of the situation finally begins to sink in.


	8. But Tonight We Dance

_Sometimes I feel like my mind is stuck. It keeps repeating the same things. Over and over and over again. And then some more. It doesn't stop, unless I shut everything down. I don't like doing it, because it means not only shutting off the bad stuff, it also means feeling nothing good. Then again, there's not that much good to begin with. I guess it doesn't matter. In the end, you do what you have to do to survive._

\- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

**now**

My phone vibrates and knocks against a pencil, sending it off the edge of my desk. I sigh and lean down to retrieve it before checking my phone.  
It's a message from Aoko. Which is probably a small miracle. After the .. incident a few weeks ago, she kept her distance. And I kept mine, just like I told Hakuba.  
I still keep an eye on her, but now I do it from a safe distance. She never knows I'm even there.

My eyes dart over the screen, taking in the words. She's inviting me to her birthday/end of summer break party. I don't know why she sent me an invitation, if we're not even speaking to each other. Maybe it's a girl thing. Or she feels guilty inviting everyone but me. Which would also explain why she only did it today, the day of the party.

I don't know and I don't care, because I'm not going. I consider sending her a text to decline to the invitation, but decide against it. She's not going to care either way. I put my phone down again and return my attention to my journal.

Hell, I'm not even sure why I'm still writing in these things. I've filled a few of them over the past years and they're all neatly stashed away in the KID room, where no one will ever see them.  
I used to think that it helps, writing everything down. But now .. it seems pointless. I stare at the blank page for a few more seconds before I close the journal and push it away from me.  
Leaning back in the chair I stare at the blank ceiling.  
I'm not sure what to do with myself. No classes, no work – neither legal nor illegal -, nowhere to go, nothing to do. It makes me restless.

I decide to go for a jog and for half an hour, I'm okay. All that exists are the streets ahead of me and my feet pounding on the asphalt.  
But then I get home, drenched in sweat, and I start pacing. Restless. I want to move, do something, _anything_ , but I don't know what and it's driving me crazy.

The party comes back to my mind but I shake the thought off immediately. No way in hell I'm going there. I promised to stay out of her life, so that's what I'm doing.  
I take a bath. Kind of. I'm too agitated and I'm not sure it counts as a proper bath. More like a quick wash.  
Which leaves me with nothing to do, _again_.

I clean the house. The _whole_ damn house. It takes a few hours and I'm pretty sure that the house hasn't been in such a pristine condition since it was built. Maybe not even then.  
It's late September now and the days are getting shorter again, so by the time I'm done with my cleaning spree, the sun is already vanishing behind the horizon.  
Fine by me, less time to kill until the day is over. My stomach growls and reminds me that I haven't eaten today, so I venture into the kitchen and start digging for food.

I find nothing. And I literally mean nothing. When was the last time I bought groceries? I can't remember and the empty cupboards prove that.  
I lean against the fridge and contemplate my options. A trek to the next convenience store, which is far away enough to make it inconvenient. The irony. I could order something or get take-out. Costs money I don't really have. Come to think of it, I don't have much left over for groceries either.

Both my glider and the card gun broke on the last KID heist and the materials needed for the repairs were much more expensive than I'd thought, leaving me with almost nothing for the rest of the month. I guess I could always ask Jii-chan to help out with that, but … I don't want to have to rely on him. Not for money. Besides, it's not like he's swimming in it either. Business for the Blue Parrot has been down lately.

You know, my illegal jobs pay lousy, considering the things I have to do and the risks involved. I should demand a raise. I bet Snake would _love_ to smash my face in if I started asking for more money. At least I get a – small – percentage of whatever they make off the gems I steal. I should probably feel lucky, because technically they don't have to give me anything. My work already gets paid in lives. Being KID is even less lucrative.

I briefly glance at the stack of bills on the kitchen table. Yeah, I should really take care of those. Except it's giving me a headache every time I even think about it.  
It's weird, I never had to worry about money before. Dad left us quite a sum behind, even though most of his life insurance went into the funeral of a non-existent body. But he wasn't one of Japan's most famous magicians for nothing. And my mom took care of all the bills, so it wasn't anything I even thought about. Then she died and I realized how deep in shit I was. For one, having a house is freaking expensive. And then there's all the other stuff, like hideout apartments that we've been paying rent for for over ten years, and supplies for heists. I'm not sure what exactly my mom has been doing overseas, but it sure drained our bank account. Hotels, magic shows, shopping, heists – she was blowing dad's money like it was a renewable source. News flash: It's not.

I shake my head and bring my thoughts back to more pressing matters. Namely, food. And a distraction. Both of which could be found at Aoko's party.  
No. No. But the thought keeps coming back, no matter how often I push it away.  
Free food. But Aoko. Free food. Aoko.

In the end, my grumbling stomach decides. I'll just slip in, eat and get out again. Like a job.  
If I keep my eyes and ears open, which I should be doing anyway, I can dodge Aoko. I'm pretty good at blending in with a crowd, thanks to the countless heists where I used it to make my escape.

Thank god I still remember the address. I've only been to her new apartment twice. The first time when I helped her move in, and then again a few weeks later when she invited me for lunch between classes. That was months ago.

When I'm leaving the train, I briefly consider sending her a text, but then I remind myself that she'll never know I've been there. Telling her that I'm on my way would be _slightly_ counterproductive.  
It's only a short walk from the train station and when I arrive I see that the door to their apartment is open. People are coming and going in a steady stream or standing around and talking.

I feel disconnected. To think that just a few months ago, I would have fit right in there. Well, not a 100%, but in a way I was like them. I tried to be, at least. Now it's just .. everything is different and it feels like I'm worlds away from everyone else.

The plan. I have to remind myself of it. In, grab food, out. Simple. In theory. The hallway is too narrow for so many people and I have to squeeze my way through them. It's suffocating to be stuck between so many bodies. The moment I'm out of the crowd I take a deep breath. _Air_.  
Then I look around, trying to find food. The door to the living room is wide open and I can see chips and other snacks set out on a table. But there are too many people in there for my liking. Harder to stay unseen.  
I don't think anyone has really taken notice of me so far. I'm just another face. But that will only last until someone that knows me spots me. Then it's over. I'll have to stay and make small-talk and be polite.

I turn and walk towards the kitchen – that's thankfully deserted -, feeling just the faintest twinge of guilt when I start going through the fridge. This is extremely rude, but I don't have the energy to care. And I'd rather raid my ex-friend's fridge than rob a convenience store.  
I've just unwrapped a sandwich that was covered with plastic wrap when the kitchen door swings open and someone steps in, walking backwards and talking to someone.  
Then she turns around and screams. And I drop the stupid sandwich. Because it's Aoko and she was the _one_ person I wanted to avoid. Figures that she would be the one to walk in on me.  
"Everything okay?" the person she was talking to asks from outside, but Aoko ignores the other girl and stares at me.  
"Kaito?" she asks feebly, as if she didn't believe her eyes.  
I nod and glance down at the sandwich. The five seconds are probably over by now. Such a waste. And the fact that I consider eating it anyway just shows me how starved I am.  
"What are you doing here?" Aoko asks and I look back at her, see the anger simmering just below the surface.  
"You invited me." I reply with a frown and quickly think back to the text I received. It was her number, I'm sure. It said "Aoko" right there on the screen.  
"No, I did not." She shakes her head to emphasize her words.  
"But I got a text from your number."  
Aoko turns around sharply. "Did you take my phone?"  
The other girl's answer is quiet. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean for me to hear it, but I do.  
"I just thought, you know, it's time you guys sorted out whatever it is that's going on. You haven't been acting like yourself lately."  
"So you invited him? Even though I _specifically_ said that I don't want to see him again?"

And just like that, my barriers shatter. Explode into a thousand tiny shards. Her words cut straight through my carefully constructed walls and into my heart. Feelings rush back into me, all at once and it's too much. Not here, not now.

Panic takes over my body. All I can think about is _getting out_. I push past the two startled girls and rush to the front door. But there are too many people, packed together too close.  
My breathing speeds up and I look around, searching for an exit. The windows? People. Why are there so many people?  
I spin in circles, looking everywhere, seeing nothing, until I'm so dizzy that the room keeps spinning on its own.  
Then, finally, I see a clearing and I go for it, not caring where it leads me.

I escape into one of the bedrooms, close the door behind me and lean my back against it. Close my eyes. Take deep breaths until the panic recedes and settles into an uneasy feeling somewhere in my stomach. Better.

When I'm sure that I have it under control, I open my eyes and let them wander through the room. It's not Aoko's. I only met her roommate once and I don't even remember her name. It was around the time .. my mother died, and those weeks are just one hazy clump of pain. I don't want to think about that, so I focus on the room again.

It's flashy. Colors everywhere. I'm pretty sure old me would have been delighted.  
Old me and new me. I'm not sure when I started seeing two versions of me. But yeah, old me would have liked this. I skim over the posters on the walls. Famous actors and singers probably, but the names don't mean anything to me.

A patch of colors over her bed catches my eye and I step closer. She painted right on the wall, with bright colors, depicting a forest clearing with fantasy-like trees. The leaves are blue and red, and the grass a sunny yellow. The name "Misaki" floats on a cloud above the scene. That must be her name.  
I really don't remember.

I take in all the detail she's put into the painting. Every single petal of every single flower in the grass is clearly visible. The mushrooms sprouting between trees look outlandish, like they came right out of a science-fiction movie and I almost think that I could feel the soft strands of grass between my fingers, if I just reached out and touched it. It's so alien and strange, like a scene from a different world, and at the same time so realistic. She's talented.  
"Like it?"

I flinch and turn around, berating myself. Losing awareness of my surroundings like that could get me killed. Not here and now, but it's a dangerous habit.  
She's standing in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest and smiling at me, an air of amusement around her.  
"Yeah. It's pretty cool."  
"Thanks." she says and completely enters the room, shutting the door behind her. The uneasy feeling in my stomach flares up again.  
"Sit down." She points at the chair at her desk opposite the bed and I follow, albeit a bit reluctantly. She obviously wants to talk to me, and I have a feeling I know what the topic is going to be.  
Once I'm seated she flops down on her bed and gives me a scrutinizing look that makes me want to squirm. I hold still and wait it out.  
"You look like shit."  
That's not … quite what I expected.  
"Thanks." I reply dryly. What else is one supposed to say to a statement like that?  
But her smile is gone and she looks serious.  
"No, seriously, you do. Are you okay?"

I'm momentarily stunned, my emotional state swaying between angry – why does she care? It's none of her business – and surprised – She doesn't even know me, why would she bother to ask?

"Okaaay-" she draws the word out and leans back on her hands, "you don't have to answer that. Next question then: What's going on with you and Aoko-chan?"

I think the anger is winning. That is definitely none of her business.

"We had a fight. It happens. No big deal."

She frowns and brings her hands in front of her body, palms up. "Okay, look- I don't know you, you don't know me. I get it. And I don't expect you to tell me your deepest, darkest secrets or something like that. But Aoko-chan is my friend and I care about her. And whatever it is that happened between you two, it hurt her pretty bad. And I don't like seeing my friends hurting."

I lean my head back and look at the ceiling, hoping that it will provide me with an answer. It doesn't. It's just a ceiling. What am I supposed to say though? I don't like seeing Aoko hurt either, and I like it even less that I'm the reason she is. But I'm not sure I can fix this. I've gone too far.  
A thought crosses my mind. "Didn't she tell you what happened?" If they're friends, wouldn't she know?

She shakes her head. "No, not really. She just said that you're an asshole and she never wants to see you again." Even though Aoko said pretty much the same thing, hearing it again stings.

"And you thought inviting me here as a surprise would change her mind?"

"Well..." she grimaces, "maybe? Okay, so far it's not going as well as I hoped it would. But maybe that's in part because she found you going through our fridge. Doesn't make for a good impression, you know? Why were you doing that anyway? There's food like, everywhere. No need to secretly steal it from the kitchen."  
It's my turn to grimace. "Yeah, sorry about that. I..." How do I explain that one? I don't exactly want to tell some stranger about my money problems. Especially not if that stranger could tell Aoko about it. Or that I wanted to stay unseen, because I was treating this party like a fucking heist. What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking?  
When I can't come up with an answer, Misaki-san – damn it, what was her last name again? And Misaki is her name, right? Why else would she include it in the painting? - sighs and shakes her head. "Okay, fine, whatever. Don't tell me then. But I'd appreciate it if you'd ask next time."  
I doubt there's going to be a next time, but I nod anyway.

"So, Aoko-chan. Have you tried talking to her?"  
Holding back a sigh, I shake my head. "No."  
"Why not?"  
"Look, it's nice that you're trying to look out for her. I'm glad you guys are friends. But this is really personal and it's not something that's fixed with a simple apology."  
"Few things are. But you have to at least try. Unless you don't even want to fix it?"

Her searching gaze wanders over my face, as if she could find an answer there.

I do want to make things right...do I? Yes, I do. It's just not possible. Is that an answer that will satisfy her though? If I say that I do, she'll make me talk to Aoko. That probably won't do anything but hurt us both even more. And if I say I don't … she'll probably make sure I never get close to Aoko again. Like a good friend would do. So, logically, the best option for everyone would be to say that I don't. But I do.  
"Kuroba-san?"  
I snap out of my thoughts and look at her, realizing that she's been trying to get my attention.  
"You know what? I think we need to have some fun."

What?

Before I can even think about protesting, she jumps up and drags me out to join the party. A can of beer magically appears in my hand.  
"Come on, they're playing a game. Let's join them."

I'm still processing what's happening when I find myself on a couch in the living room, sandwiched between Misaki-san and a guy that I vaguely remember seeing around campus, with a group of people I don't even know. Music is playing in the background, loud enough for me to identify a popular pop song, but not so loud that it would disrupt conversation. This is not going according to my plan. Not at all.

"Never have I ever … had a one-night stand." a girl with long, black hair calls. People shout and whistle and quite a few drink from their cans, cups and bottles.

"Never have I ever been arrested." the guy next to her says. Only the person sitting next to me drinks – Misaki-san. I raise my eyebrows at her in question. She just grins.

"Ohh, Nagano-san, really? What for?" the black haired girl asks. Nagano, right. That was her last name, now I remember.

"Shoplifting, when I was like … oh god, I don't know. Fifteen? There was this super cute sweater that I wanted to have, but my mom wouldn't pay for it and I didn't have enough money. So I stole it. Okay, I tried to – didn't even make it out of the store."

A few people laugh and the game continues. Misaki-san leans closer to me. "So, I hope you don't mind my criminal past. I swear, it was just a rebellious teenager phase." The corners of my mouth quirk up – can KID be considered a rebellious teenager phase? I did start when I was sixteen after all. Though, if that were the case, at this point it would be a ridiculously long 'phase'.

I open my mouth to answer, when Aoko walks into the room. Her presence instantly silences me. Maybe I should leave. She probably doesn't want me here. Scratch that, she definitely doesn't want me here – she made that pretty clear. Aoko sees us and frowns, looking back and forth between me and her roommate, and I realize that Misaki-san is still leaning pretty close to me. I start to get up, but Misaki-san pulls me back down.

"Oh no, you're staying."

"But Aoko-"

"First of all: This is as much my party as it's Aoko-chan's and I want you to stay. Secondly: My plan is to get you drunk enough that you'll talk to her, and her drunk enough to hear you out, and so far you haven't even opened your beer. So, yes, you're staying."

Shaking my head, I look around, searching for Aoko. I find her on the floor across the room, talking animatedly with two other girls. She doesn't look too mad. Maybe it's okay if I stay a little longer. Wait, since when do I even _want_ to stay? What happened to my plan?

As if reading my thoughts, Misaki-san says "See? She's fine. You can stay."

Leaning back, I finally open my beer and receive a satisfied nod for it.  
"Have you heard of Thurston's principles?"

"Isn't 'A magician never reveals his secret' one of them?"

"That's the first one. The second is 'Never explain what's going to happen before the trick'."  
I see the gears turning in her head.  
"So, what you're saying is that I broke the second magician rule by telling you about my plan?"  
"Pretty much, yeah."  
She shrugs. "Well...good thing I'm not a magician then."

"But now that I know what you're planning, I might just decide not to get drunk, you know? What are you going to do then?"  
She grins confidently. "Improvise, I guess. But I think you're going to get drunk anyway."  
"Oh really. What makes you think that?" I glance at the beer can in my hand. It's not the first time I drank, but it's not exactly something I do regularly either. There are just too many things going on that need my full attention and focus, and getting wasted every weekend doesn't go too well with late-night heists.  
"Dunno. You just look like you could use a few drinks." I'm saved from answering that when the game continues.

"Never have I ever stolen something." someone says and I hesitate for a moment. Is this a good idea? Probably not. Oh, what the hell.  
I drink, and so does Misaki-san. She mimics my earlier expression, eyebrows raised.  
While the others interrogate the one other person that drank to the question, she directs her questions at me.  
"So, what did you steal?"  
Considering a few possible answers, I absently turn the beer can in my hands. Obviously, I can't tell the truth. Though, it could be fun to say exactly that. Nobody would believe it anyway. Except Hakuba. I glance around, but don't see him anywhere. He and Aoko seemed pretty close, it's weird that he wouldn't come to her birthday party. Maybe he's busy being an obnoxious detective.  
"Oh you know, just small things from the convenience store. Like gum."  
"Wait, so you did it more than once?"  
"Uh...yeah. I mean, only a few times. When I was younger." I should've come up with a better story.  
"And you never got caught?"  
I shake my head, dimly aware of the game continuing without us. But it's mostly about sex now, which means I'm going to stay pretty sober anyway. Haven't had that much experience in that area.

"Yo, Nagano, your turn!"

"Wow-" she grins and cocks her head to the side, humming in thought. "Never have I ever … " Just before she finishes the sentence, she looks at me with a mischievous expression. "...been in love with someone in this room." I glance around.

The girl with the black hair and the guy next to her down the rest of their beers and smile at each other in that lovey-dovey way that seems to be exclusively reserved for couples.

And again, my eyes settle on Aoko, just as she sips from her can. I didn't notice before, but she looks gorgeous in that blue dress. But what's even more gorgeous is her smile, the way it lights up her whole face. She looks so happy it's hard to imagine that not too long ago she was furious at me. The girls with her giggle and coo, undoubtedly wanting to know who it is. I want to know too. I want to know if it's me. Is that selfish?

"So, are you going to drink or what?"  
I rip my eyes away from Aoko and look at the girl next to me.  
"I've never been in love with anyone in here." I say.  
"Oh please." Misaki-san arches one eyebrow in a perfectly skeptic manner. "I'm not blind."  
Shaking my head, I look back at Aoko. "I'm not in love."  
"If you could see how you're looking at her, right now, you wouldn't say that."

All my thoughts of protesting fly out of the window when Aoko locks eyes with me. I try to decipher her expression. Is she mad at me? Does she hate me? Are we still friends? Are we more than friends? A tentative smile tugs on her lips and relief washes over me, takes some of the heavy weight off my shoulders, makes it just a little easier to breathe. I can feel my own mouth forming into a smile and I lift the can of beer to my lips.

"Oh my gosh, you two are soooo cute!"

I choke, beer spluttering out of my nose. Misaki-san erupts into laughter, while I'm sitting there like an idiot, staring at the girl I like across the room, beer dripping from my chin. It's probably the most embarrassed I've been in a long time – and I don't get embarrassed easily -, but I don't care one bit because Aoko is laughing. For once, I haven't made her cry or yell, I haven't made her sad or angry. I made her laugh. And I feel … normal. Like this is what my life would be like if I had never found out about dad and KID and all that other crap. Maybe coming here wasn't such a bad idea. Maybe it's okay if I try to be normal, even if it's just for one night.

Misaki-san nudges me with her elbow. "It's your turn."

* * *

The hours blur together. I don't know when the beer is replaced with shots, I don't know how much I learned about the lives of these strangers just by playing a game. I don't know how drunk I am.  
I do know that I'm starving. I've been eating from the bags with snacks that were passed around, but it's not early enough. So, off to the kitchen again. I stumble when I stand up, but someone catches me. Maybe I'm drunk. I mumble a "thank you" and move on.

The door to the kitchen is open when I reach it and Aoko is inside, doing something with bottles. Arranging them, or something. I'm not sure. She knocks one of them over, creating a domino effect that takes down another two bottles, and lets out a string of curses. I grin and enter the room.  
She looks up when she hears my not-so-subtle entrance. I might have bumped into the doorway.  
"Kaito?"  
"That's me. And I think you've spent too much time around your father." She laughs and shakes her head.  
"Maybe."  
"Definitely" I nod for emphasis and open the fridge. Something from earlier flashes through my mind. "Do you mind if I … uh .. eat something?" Asking, right? I'm supposed to ask.  
Aoko laughs and picks up a half-empty bottle with … something clear. Vodka? Water?  
"Sure, go ahead. But stay clear of those sandwiches. They're Misaki-chan's and she gets mad when anyone touches them."  
Oh, damn. Didn't I ruin one of those earlier? Crap. But she wasn't mad at me, was she? It's a bit foggy. Maybe she was.

Aoko turns to leave and something in my brain clicks. I love her. I mean, I knew that. But I love her.  
"Aoko-"  
"Hm?" She turns back and looks at me curiously. I don't know what I'm doing. I want to tell her, but the words stick to my tongue like glue.  
"You look nice."  
Her cheeks, already flushed from the alcohol, turn a shade darker. She sets the bottle down and leans against the counter.  
"Thanks..you...uh..you too."

Then she breaks into a giggle fit. I have no idea why, but it's contagious.

"What was so funny?" I ask once our laughter dies down. Aoko wipes a tear from her cheek and hiccups. "I don't know. You-us." She gestures with her hands, vaguely pointing at us. The smile fades from her face. "I miss you. I miss us."  
"Me too."  
"What happened?" she asks softly.

I suddenly realize that I'm still standing next to the open fridge, so I close it. I'm not hungry anymore.

It's hard to fathom how quickly the mood in the room changed. One minute, we're laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and Aoko's crying … the next I can see her eyes filling with tears of a completely different nature and there's a clenched fist in my stomach.  
She gasps, tears finally spilling over.  
"Aoko-" I say her name, because I don't know what to say. All I want to do is cross the short distance between us and wrap my arms around her. She shakes her head.

"No, I- I don't understand you, Kaito. I've tried. I've tried really hard to be there for you, to be understanding and patient, but I can't do it anymore. All you do is push me away. You don't let anyone help you and I just- I can't."

"Aoko-" I say again, but she cuts me off.

"I get it. Your mom died, and I know it's hard-" Her gaze is unwavering, keeping me rooted in place, angry and hurt, pleading me to understand, "I lost mine too. Don't you remember? I know, it's not … it's not the same. You saw everything and it must have been horrible. I can't even imagine...but I know how much it hurts to lose someone. But that's not an excuse to behave like an asshole, it doesn't give you the right to go around hurting other people, just to make yourself feel better."

She draws a shaky breath and I can tell that she's not finished. The words spill out of her like an avalanche, drowning and burying everything I want to say to her.

"You hurt me. You really hurt me, Kaito. Not just when you-" she cuts herself off, but the way she unconsciously brings a hand to her throat speaks for her, "-but every time you canceled our plans, every time you suddenly ran off and left me hanging without even telling me why. Every time you got my hopes up and then crushed them like it was nothing. Like I meant nothing to you. And then you stopped talking to me completely, you ignored me when you saw me on campus, you didn't call or text anymore. You couldn't even bother to apologize!"

Her chest is heaving, and her face is a display for her inner turmoil.

"I'm sorry, Aoko. For everything."

She shakes her head. "I want to believe that, I really do, but..."

"But what?"

I can see her anger taking over, can feel the glare before her eyes meet mine.

"You're not exactly giving me much reason to trust you! You don't tell me what's going on, you lie to me- how am I supposed to believe anything you say anymore?" She's outright yelling now, and the people outside can probably hear every word. I move to close the door, then turn back and close my eyes for a second. She doesn't trust me anymore. Hearing that hurts more than I thought. I thought, that, if nothing else, she would always trust me. Because we're Kaito and Aoko. Aoko and Kaito. Best friends since forever. It seems I was wrong.

"What? You're not going to say anything?"

My eyes snap open.

"What am I supposed to say? We both know a simple apology isn't going to fix this!"

She huffs and brushes a strand of hair out of her face.

"You could start by telling me what the hell is going on with you! You've changed so much, Kaito, I barely recognize you anymore. And it's not just because your mother died. You started acting weird when you were sixteen-" Another shake of her head. "Sixteen, Kaito. It's been four years. And you still haven't told me what happened back then. But these past few months, it's just gotten worse. You're- you're-" She stops and throws her hands up, indicating her loss for words.

"I don't know what you are. I thought I knew you, but I don't. Not anymore."

I close my eyes again, rubbing a hand over my face. Why can't I just tell her? Because I don't want to pull her into this. Because it's dangerous. Because she's going to hate me. I know that. I know all of that. But I want to tell her so badly, lay it all out, make her understand.

Opening my eyes again, I look at her. Her mouth is pressed into a thin line, her eyes formed into slits that glare at me, accusing and waiting, the fire burning in them one of the things I love about her. But now it's directed at me.

"I can't tell you."

"Right. Of course. Of course you can't. Why not?"

I take a deep breath, trying to contain my own anger. It's there, it's always there, a sleeping monster just waiting to be poked.

"I can't tell you that either."

"Oh, just great!" She lets out a harsh, humorless laugh. "You're unbelievable, you know that? After everything I've done for you-"

I kick the door behind me in frustration. Aoko stops and stares at me.

"I wish I could tell you everything, I really do, even if you don't believe me. You have no idea- you don't understand-" I can't even finish my sentences. The monster blinks its eyes open.

"You're right. I don't. So make me!"

"Damn it, Aoko! I can't! Why can't you understand that?"

We're both silent for a moment.

"Are you in trouble?"

I answer with silence. I focus on my heart, drumming in my chest with so much force, I think it might just explode. I focus on the sound of it, the rushing in my ears, the thud-thud-thud inside my body. I focus on the slight vibration in the floor from the music outside.

"Kaito."

I don't mean to look at her, but when she says my name, it's automatic.

"Kaito." she says again. "If you're in trouble...I don't care what it is. Let me help you. If it's something, you know-" she sighs, "something illegal, we can talk to my dad. He's going to help you."

"No." With that one word, cold and harsh, I silence her. "Aoko- don't. Just don't."

I turn to leave, but her fingers wrap around my arm, holding me back. I stop mid-step, facing the door.

"Talk to me, please." Her voice is quiet, pleading, no trace left of her anger. It boggles my mind. Why is she doing this? Why, after everything, is she still trying to help me? Why hasn't she given up yet? And why am I letting her?

"Let me hel-"

I turn and whirl us both around. Her back is pressed against the door and she's so close...too close.

Her breath tickles my chin, warm and carrying a hint of orange juice and vodka. The urge to kiss her is almost overwhelming. But at the same time, there's a voice in my head yelling at me to tell her to fuck off, to leave me alone. I'm so tired of being at war with myself, always being torn between two things.

Her heaving chest presses against mine with every breath she takes. I search her face for an answer to my unspoken question. What I find instead is a volatile mix of emotions.

And I know that whatever I do now will leave another mark on our relationship.


End file.
